what matters and why

square roots and graphs

10/01/01
11:30am

I am terrified of my upcoming math exam tomorrow. I want it to just go away. I know this horrible feeling in my stomach will not leave until this exam is over. And I’m so sick of doing algebra problems. Over and over and over again, and I’m still behind on my work. I’m going over review problems, and have already forgotten what I did a week ago. I don’t understand domains and ranges, and why it matters! I get so frustrated. I’ve had so many offers for help, but I’ve got all the help I need on my program right here on the computer. It just loses my interest so quickly. When I think of infinity, all that comes to mind is my son preparing to jump off the bed calling “to im-fimity…and beyond!” imitating Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story. My brain has turned into sayings from a three year old, and it doesn’t work well when trying to complete this school stuff. I get so much positive feedback when I tell people I’m going to school, but I wonder if it’s really worth it sometimes. Maybe I should just wait until he’s older and in school when I have more time. But I’ve heard once you stop, it’s harder to go back. Part of the reason I think that I keep going is because I feel like I have to compete. With who I don’t know. Why do I feel like I’m worth nothing without my degree? We are doing so well. I know, eventually I’ll get there, and I’ll be happy I got these classes out of the way early, but right now all I want is to get square root signs and these stupid little graphs out of my head.

My phone rings four times a day from the same person. I prepared myself for it when they moved in our area, but now that it’s here, I don’t know how much more I can handle. I am such a private person. The time that I do have alone, I want it to stay that way. I don’t want her in my life. It’s so awful for me to feel that way since I have no choice. As family, she’s around forever. I love kids, and hers is cute, but that doesn’t mean I want to see her every single day. I am so tired of having to rearrange my schedule to do favors for her. I know she thinks that I just sit here and pick my nose all day since I don’t have a “real” job. Even if I did like her, and enjoy spending time with her, which I don’t, I still would not want her to call me every day, let alone four times! And there’s the whole money thing, and her situation, which is not my problem. We manage our money and we are not in debt. She did that to herself and it’s not my responsibility to get her out. I feel guilty every day because of her. I feel like he wants me to do more for her, that their entire family is waiting for me to offer to baby-sit so she can find a job. She can stick her kid in day care for all I care. I don’t think it would be good for her, but I don’t see why I should help out family for free just because they aren’t smart enough to manage their own money. It would be different if she couldn’t afford clothes or food, or shelter. It’s not like that. She’s so materialistic, and I don’t want to give the impression that I approve of that lifestyle, and if I help out, I’m contributing to it. I don’t want to see her every day. I want my own life, and a separate family life. It’s part of the reason we moved out here. In my opinion, I think family that shares that much gets in trouble. I don’t want to know how much someone else is making, what their money situation is. I feel like that’s none of my business. I know that they don’t dislike me, but every time I’m around them I get this feeling they think I’m selfish and lazy. It makes me so mad because I don’t feel like they know who I really am. And then I feel like their intentions are not always the best. When they offer to help, is it so I will feel indebted to them to help out later. It’s gotten worse and worse, and I rarely answer the phone anymore when I know it’s her. I want to tell her to find her own life and stay out of mine. But I can’t. They’re here to stay. In addition to worrying about my schoolwork, now I have to worry about her problems.

The weather has been absolutely perfect. We can actually wear jeans in September comfortably. I’ve been more organized and I feel better about my decision to baby-sit fulltime. Although if I ever do it again, it will be a family I don’t know or hang out with so I won’t be so hesitant to voice my opinion when there’s a problem. This is my favorite time of year. Football, open windows, Halloween, the weather cooling down. Despite family conflict, most things are ok right now. He’s starting his own business, and it’s taking most of his time outside of work, but for some reason I’m not bothered by that. I don’t need his help around the house as much, or with our son. And he’s doing it with us and our future in mind. It’s not because he wants to be away from us. In fact I think it bothers him more than me that this is taking so much of his time. But he is enjoying himself and finally able to pursue something he’s always wanted, and I’m so happy for him. And I’m so glad that his ambition exceeds most other men that I know. I admire that quality he has in that he can take a dream and pursue it the way he does. I’m so thankful that things turned out this way. Three years ago, I spent every day regretting this decision we made, but I didn’t give up. We stuck together through those times and made it and now our life seems too perfect. I feel like I don’t deserve this life, I don’t deserve him. How do I explain to people how this works? That doing the right thing together, and striving for and accomplishing the same goals pulls people together; it doesn’t push them apart. And so what if this is not the way we planned our lives. Sometimes things don’t go as planned, and for us, they went completely off track for a while. But as it turns out, we both want the same things. We both care enough about our kid to work together to give him the childhood he deserves. It just worked for us, and I can never find the right words to explain why and how it works.