what matters and why

supermom

9/20/01
3:00pm

A day when I should not have free time like this. You’d think being in charge of two kids and a baby all afternoon would keep me busy. Two are asleep and mine is at his friend’s house. I’m learning to enjoy my time alone, as I don’t get that privilege very often. Today, I think that I could have four of my own children and stay completely sane. I feel like superwoman for managing so well today. It’s been a week since that horrific event, and still no mention of conflict. Things have settled in and though we are still disgusted with what happened, normal life resumes. The threat of war remains, but we’ve gotten used to it. I almost feel guilty for allowing myself to enjoy the pleasures in my life. I feel like I should be doing something to help someone, but what. And on the other hand, I’ve got so much else on my mind, and I feel guilty for that also. Our country has been encouraged to carry on as normal, so we do. The planes are even flying again, safely, although the airlines are lacking millions of dollars and people are losing jobs daily. Our generation was not supposed to have to experience anything this drastic, and now here it is right in front of us. And we go on as normal. I wonder what life was like after Pearl Harbor. They say that there were lines falling out of the recruiting offices, but that’s not the case now. He said he would go, if it weren’t for us, and I believe him. His mother would never let that happen, anyway. So we move on with our lives. Schoolwork, housework, etc, it all seems so trivial now. I feel organized today for some reason. I am behind, and should be taking advantage of this time to complete homework. Classes I’m taking on the Internet were supposed to be a time saver but it’s actually turning out the opposite. I’m on the computer all night long it seems, trying to finish stuff right before the deadline. If I have a free minute, I try to make some quick notes or work some problems. You’d think it would be easy with the boys in preschool two days a week and it should but something always seems to come up. And why the hell did I sign up to be room mother? I am completely out of place. They look at me like I’m an alien, wondering why I’m toting around two young children at my age. I want to scream, “I’m babysitting for one!” or “Mine’s the cuter one!” Just to make myself feel like they are not thinking I’m some teenage slut on welfare. That is getting harder as my three year old is involved in more activities that require parent participation, and every time I feel as if I don’t belong. I have to keep telling myself that I have plenty of time ahead of me to have more children and do it right, and be the right age.

I’ve fixed my problem with the one whose child I care for. Things have improved one hundred percent and I’m not mad all the time now. I still disagree with their parenting styles, but we’ve agreed to disagree, knowing how different we are. Her husband, I still believe is an ass, but what can I say. Somehow he manages to put clothes on the kid and get him here in the morning. And she’s ok but always seems distracted. And what else – unreliable, and millions of other qualities I would not normally choose for a friend. But I’m committed and I will finish this year with what I said I would do. Beyond that I don’t know.