what matters and why

impatience

8/17/01
1:30pm

I haven’t been very satisfied with myself this week. Normally I am a very patient person, but these last few days I’ve found myself getting upset over the littlest things. I’ve been impatient and intolerant with the boys, and I feel like all I do is yell at them all day long. And I don’t want that. When I accepted this challenge, I knew that my time alone would be limited, and that our schedule would drastically change. And it has. I just don’t know if I’ve adjusted yet. I like that we’re waking earlier, and that they both take long naps almost every day. I like that they eat well, and on time. The first few days went well, and I was so excited in anticipation of this new job, and the extra money. Lately they’ve started to fight and I don’t know how to handle it. They’ve caught colds from each other and that affects their behaviour. The other one is really a good kid, and has a great temperment. But mine has not been so well recently. It seems that he whines all day long. His tantrums have become more frequent, and I find myself very short tempered with him, and preoccupied with the other one, since he still requires a lot of attention. I’m worried about my upcoming class schedule, and concerned that I won’t have enough time or energy to give one hundred percent into my schoolwork. But it’s not like I don’t have enough time to get it done. I can easily work while I supervise their play. The question is do I have the discipline to do this on my own. All my classes are distance learning this semester, and though I do well in those, I am really worried about my algebra class, a subject that has never been my strong point. They take long naps and I have plenty of free time, but I’m always tired. Lately I cannot seem to find any energy. I sleep with them for thirty minutes each naptime, and go to bed on time, and still it’s not enough. I can’t imagine what it would be like with an infant around.

It will get better, I’m sure of that. I always pick myself up somehow. Our marriage is going along better than ever, and he’s even agreed that it would make sense for me to pursue a teaching degree. I’m very excited about that, and even the rest of our future together. It’s never looked better than this. And in comparision to a lot of our friends, we are doing really well. Not only financially but emotionally.