what matters and why

satisfaction

8/4/01
11:00pm

There is absolutely nothing better than completing a page in my scrapbook. It brings such a feeling of accomplishment, and although it is a never ending task, somehow I feel closer to being done.

Tonight, nothing could spoil my mood. It was a perfect day. A situation that could possibly have been disastrous for my self esteem was anything but that. Upon arrival, it was as if nothing had changed. As if the fact that we hadn’t spoken to each other in a year didn’t matter at all. There was no discussion about why or what happened. I don’t suppose I expected that, but I was surprised at the silence. No how have you been, what are you doing now, nothing like that. It was very strange. With us though, it has always been like that. We rarely discussed anything deeply, and when one of us was annoyed with the other, it went indisclosed. Despite the silence, I was satisfied with my observations of her. She has not changed, not at all. It doesn’t appear that she’s a year older, in fact, she seems younger to me. Her child seems to be a very high maintentance one, constantly need attention and striving for affection. I think the seperation really affected her in ways that may not come out until later. I felt bad for her. And her mother was anything but patient with her, and it was difficult to watch. As expected, she was the center of attention, planning a night out with the boyfriend. I couldn’t tell if she was being cautious in mentioning it; I thought I saw a few glances in my direction, probably guessing what my reaction would be. I wanted to ask millions of question, but couldn’t do it. There are times when I wished I had a more extroverted personality and didn’t feel so uncomfortable asking people personal questions. I don’t think that she would have been offended, but may not have wanted to offer information to me, since we hadn’t talked in so long. For a while, it was like I was there, but I wasn’t. The conversations didn’t interest me, parties and get togethers and so on. It wasn’t that they were excluding me, only that I have nothing to contribute. But it was okay. It wasn’t a bad thing, as I’d thought. They didn’t seem as if they were judging me. And my son was very well behaved, and I couldn’t have been prouder of how cute he was. And in comparision to hers, he is obviously more laid back. Children seem to completely reflect their parent’s behaviour. It was amazing how similar her daughter was to herself.

The best part of the day was that my stomach was not only more toned than hers but everyone there. My chest of course was considerably larger but I take some comfort in knowing that there’s not much I can do about that. Still I can't help but to be self conscience.

I’ve realized that absence plays a big part in one’s perception of another. My being uninvolved in her life has completely mistrewed who I thought she was. And why I assumed that she’d changed into someone who she’s not I don’t know. Have I changed so much, I wonder. I definetely feel older since the last time we’d all gotten together. I feel like there are years of maturity seperating us.