what matters and why

time away

8/1/01
11:30am

A weekend trip out of town with extended family has given me a different perspective. Just when I thought some differences in opinion were changing, and I was opening up a little to his family, we spent four days together and I’ve changed my mind. Things had been going well. His sister and I were talking on the phone on a regular basis. I would even leave my son with her occasionally, something I’ve always been cautious of with her because of previous incidents which resulted in distrust. Not that she would ever do anything to my child, but she has a very deceitful personality. I was trying to be more open minded lately, and not let the past get in the way. However, spending so much time with them has destroyed what little openess there may have been. Our parenting styles are so completely opposite, and after a while, that begins to clash. They get annoyed with mine, and me with theirs. I’m not one to express myself verbally very often, so most of the time I end up keeping my mouth shut. She, however, has no problem letting everyone know she thinks my son is doing something inappropriate. And it seemed that on this vacation that he could do nothing right in her eyes. He was too whiny, too stubborn, etc. It took all I had to not mention that her child practically cried non stop, and although she is only three months old, she is not on any kind of schedule, as far as naps or eating time. At the first whimper, a bottle is shoved in her mouth, whether she is hungry or not. I’m no baby expert. Yet I do know that by this point in her life there should be a time to eat, a time to sleep, and when she cries, depending on what time of day it is, the parent should be able to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong based on the child’s schedule. Not this one. And how do you say to someone that they’re doing everything wrong? And what right does she have to tell me my son is too ornery when she could possibly be permanently damaging her own by shoving food down her mouth every hour. The poor baby’s belly is probably hurting her constantly. If her mother were open to suggestion, and not so damn stubborn, I’d offer some kind advice. However, her doctor has already confided in her that she’s doing a great disservice to her kid by avoiding a schedule, and she completely rejected that idea. It’s her way or no way, and that’s it. And when my son is singing in the backseat of the car, I don’t think she should tell him he needs to be quiet. He wasn’t bothering anyone but herself and I cannot wait until hers is at the whiny stage. I am a very patient person, but with her, it’s really hard to stay that way. Vacationing with a three year old and a baby is hard enough, without conflicting parenting styles. This weekend was very stressful, more so for her since we had time alone, and time to relax. I don’t feel like I said anything that would hurt her feelings. I try very hard not to, since she seems so emotionally fragile. Whether postpartum or just plain stress, she is very dramatic. Now that we are home I hope things will go back to normal.
It wasn’t even supposed to be a vacation. We were there for a funeral for an extended family member, who’d been sick for a long time and finally passed. Although sad, the service seemed to bring good closure. And despite being there for that reason, we still managed to tour the city and do some fun things. We ate out all the time, and drank wine at night, and the weather was so wonderful. Being able to wear long sleeve shirts and jeans in the middle of July was amazing. For me, it completely changes my mood. I love that kind of atmosphere. It’s a big difference from here, when we’re practically melting by the time we step out the door. In a strange way, we really needed time away from the daily routine of our life, even though it was unexpected and not for happy reasons. Being away always bring us closer somehow, and I’m thankful that we were able to go, despite the circumstances and the awkward family situations.
For being only three and skipping naps and going to bed late every night, our son behaved very well. He was a little more whiny than usual, much more than when the three of us had taken a trip alone, and I wonder if all the people along made a difference. It’s so hard to deal with his tantrums, when there’s people on each side of him, promising this and that if he’ll stop crying. I don’t deal with it that way. I either ignore him, or if it gets out of had, take him out of the room for a talk, which seems to work most of the time, but when other people get involved and try to help, it gets complicated. My mother warned me about trips with family, and had told me about the bad experiences they’d had with my cousins. Yet when I look back at those times, I only remember how much fun we had. So, if anything we should all try to get along for their sake.