what matters and why

resentment

7/10/01
8:45am

It's already started, and the more I consider what I've gotten myself into, the more nervous I am. She's more excited than ever, in anticipation of the money she will save ans what she can buy for the hous, and I wonder which she's more concerned about: her child's welfare, and that he is going to be given an incredible oppurtunity to be raised in a stable environment, or the fact that she can look into getting a pool for her house. Does she realize what a sacrifice I am making for her son, and eventually future children. That I am taking away from my own child's individual attention to do this favor for her. And why, when she figured out how much she would save by placing him in a certain preschool, would she not offer some of that to me. So I am already resentful of her attitude, and this is not a good start for me. He says I need to be more aggresive, and speak up for myself, and I should, however I don't want to ruin a decent friendship, if you can call it that. So I'm worried. I'm so scared about the way this year is going to turn out.

And then the other one, who insists that I should consider a job sharing thing with her, when I've already expressed that an office job is out of the question. I've been there done that, and hated it, and I've got my life on track, and it's so much less stressful this way. I don't care about the money. I care about my kid, and I don't want to leave him two and a half days a week for a little extra. At least with babysitting someone else, I will be with him every single day, even if he's not receiving that one on one like he is now. But I'll have holidays, long weekends and summers. And with a new baby possibly next year, a secretarial position is just not logical. She sounded so disappointed when I refused. But everyone gets their ideas in their head, and wants the rest of the world to think it's just as great as an idea as they do, not considering the other side.

We're doing so well. Why would I want to change anything. Not only financially, but emotionally we are ten times more stable than last year and I can only hope that each year it gets stronger.