what matters and why

loss

 (This entry was edited by 1boy on 07-03-01 @ 9:19 am EDT)

6/13/01
8:30am

“You’re not going to believe what I did,” she told me two days ago, but I already knew. I’d already had twenty four hours to think about it, and to judge the decision she made, not that it’s my business or that I have a right to judge her at all. She has her mother to tell her that she made a mistake, not her friends. I do think that what she did was impulsive, but it’s not my place to say that to her. When I got married hastily, the last thing I wanted was for people telling me I made the wrong choice, and to this day, I’m extremely sensitive about it. Her situation was not the same, though; she married someone she’d known for a while but had not dated in a long time. Someone who is offering to take care of her, a place to live, money, security, all the things she wanted. She always said she wanted that life, and to be able to stay home with her son. That life is what she will get, but I don’t think it’s going to be all she is expecting it to be. For his sake, I can only hope that it will work out, but there is a selfish side of me who absolutely does not want them to move. My son will be devastated, of course, in losing his best friend, but myself also, in losing a good friend, someone who I honestly enjoyed spending time with, and there’s not too many people I can say that about. We had so many plans for this summer, for the boys, and places we were going to go. I’m trying to imagine our lives without them, and I hate it that we’ve become so dependent on them for entertainment, but we have. Nothing’s going to be the same, not the child care at church, nothing. And the more I contemplate it, I am beginning to realize the extent of our friendship. They’re only here for five more days, and that’s it. Gone. Just like that. My first real friend since high school, and that’s it. It took me four years to find a good friend, and now I’m going to have to start all over. It’s so selfish of me to think that way when she is so happy. She’s excited in anticipation of a new life, where she can start over, and a place where no one knows about her past. In a way I’m jealous, because I would like to have that, a chance to start over, in a place where no one knows me. I’m just disappointed. I’m upset because things were going so well for me. I have felt so secure lately, a good family and good friends, everything was falling into place for me after a rough few years in the beginning. Today we are going out with another friend of mine, and her little boy, and although we have a lot in common, I’m just not looking forward to spending time with her. I tire easily of conversation with her; she has a bad habit of rambling on about things I don’t care about. And I can put up with her for a day, but would so much rather spend time with the other two. We can carry on a great conversation that I won’t get bored with, and we can not say anything at all and it’s not awkward. We don’t talk like I did with my friends four years ago, but marriage changes that. There are some things you just cannot say. She’s the closest I’ve come though to really opening up to, and that says a lot, since I’m such a private person. So that’s it, they’re just going to leave this weekend, and they’ll be back to visit but it won’t be the same. And will my boy even remember that he once had a best friend? He’ll never know him.