what matters and why

friend?

 (This entry was edited by 1boy on 07-03-01 @ 9:03 am EDT)

5/29/01
9:45pm

She calls me out of a sense of obligation, and when she does, I have nothing to say. The conversations are filled with awkward silences, strange for people who have been friends for years. She offers me nothing, however, when talking, she does not make an attempt to fill up the empty space. I feel as if what I have to say is unimportant. I haven’t made an effort to fix this, and I don’t know that I want to. Everything about her reminds me of a different time in my life, one that I am ready to move past, and when we talk, she is only a constant reminder of who I used to be, someone that I don’t like now. I’ve moved on, and changed my character completely. Becoming a mother will do that to you, I suppose. In a effortless attempt to come up with things to say, she gossips about people we used to know, some who she still talks to and some who she only hears about. I do like to know what’s going on, but only to a certain extent. I don’t want to know everything anymore. I want to talk about our futures, where we’ll be in five years, and also the present, what’s going on in our lives now, today, not things that happened years ago. It’s a non friendship. I hold back when talking to her. I imagine that she gossips about me and my life, and I don’t like that feeling. I dread telling her about what’s going on in my life because there’s never anything going on. I lead a boring life compared to what she’s used to hearing about. There’s a part of me that just does not want to trust anyone who knew me in high school. I feel like they are just waiting for me to fail. For our marriage not to make it. So I’m careful when I talk about our relationship. I don’t want to make it sound sugar coated, but I’m not going to say when we’re not getting along for fear that they will assume the worst, and gossip. In a sick way, I wonder if they would be happy if we didn’t make it, just to be able to say I told you so. So I dread her phone calls, I don’t want to talk to her, or about other people with her. No matter how hard I would try to explain how well my life is going now, I don’t think that I could ever put it in the right words. I’m just not good at expressing myself verbally. How do I tell her that what we have is not a friendship. I think it would let her off the hook, make her feel less obligated to call me, to keep in touch. Even now, in an attempt to write this down, I don't feel like I can express how I feel. Is it jealousy that she spends more time with a mutual friend of ours (who is a whole different story) But then I don't want to spend time with her...we have nothing to say to each other. She's been home for three weeks and has called once a week, and has had nothing to say, no offer to make plans to get together, nothing new in her life to tell me, just nothing, and I wish that she would just not call at all. And since we don't spend any time together, and have nothing to say on the phone, I don't feel like she even knows who I am anymore. So why call me? Does she wonder my life is going to crumble and fall apart and she can talk about me behind my back. A friend is not supposed to be like that.