Thoughts of a Mad Man

Emotional Control: Am I a fraud

Well I was scrolling today on TikTok.


I go for philosophical and theoretical and idea based. Those are what the algorithm pushes at me.


And one of them really hit me. The idea:





That a man who feels he is wise and restrained may realize that he's only depressed.





And that's definitely a direct hit. Like David hitting Goliath square in the head with a stone given the force of a .45 Magnum. (Gladwell, n.d.) I don't know if I am really wise and if all my NLP and Self Help are working or if the good behavior is really just a symptom. Or, of course, I could turn it around: maybe the wisdom I have is the cause of my disease. Choosing to stifle the desires without the proper replacement would cause one to get a bit depressed.


So I had a serious dip in mood; that felt really bad. Of course it did: I expected and preferred that my restraint came from wisdom and it seemed like it was a disease.


The thing is I really don't know. It might be that my choices were preset by some disease; it might be that my choices have disordered (e.g. depressing) side effects. Or it might be a little of both.


So I am sad because something that might be irretrievably lost. Knowing the name of the feeling helps (Step one.) And identifying the EP (wisdom) and the P (disease) also move the emotion out of my emotional brain. And then, once there, I can also note that there isn't really any proof. This relieves the original feeling, and yet inspires another--I prefer that there be proof, and perceive that there is not.


A few cycles of this and I am more than a little bit better. At least on this subject. So there it is:


Impostor syndrome. I guess I've made it., kind of. This stuff does work, but it's not perfect. There are costs.