Voice Lessons

Vulnerability

I know a lot of writing is getting it on paper while it’s on your mind. I seem to reflect a lot at night or in the morning. So let’s try doing this every morning and see if we can make it a habit. For some reason I feel it isn’t writing if I don’t actually write it physically. Does it still count if I don’t?

Either way it’s better to get the thoughts down while they’re fresh. I have an app that will give me a new topic to write about every day. Today’s topic is vulnerability. “I feel vulnerable when…”. That’s funny. The question is when don’tI feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable. every day.

But today the first thing that came to mind is when I think about what a hypocrite I am. And how now my children can see it. No wonder why they’re so woke. They don’t want to end up like me. And they equate Christian values and Mormonism to depression and disapproval. If this is what being a Mormon and Christian gets you, they want no part of it. When I put myself in their position, when they don’t know why I did the things I did, I can see why they don’t respect me.

I need to pull out of this somehow to earn their respect. I guess I don’t really respect myself, and since my husband makes no request of me if he holds me to no standard, why should ? If it doesn’t matter to anyone else why put in the effort? Why suffer through those feelings of guilt and remorse if doing so won’t make a difference to anyone anyway. Why would the opinion of a cloistered housewife with no knowledge of the world that large really be important.

It’s not going to change the way. Anyone feels about the subject. It’s not going to change the way people see me. I’ve already screwed that up. I need to earn the respect if I don’t I am proving to them that they’re right and then my negative side says “But what if they are?”

I don’t know that I’m going to like what I see when I try to answer that question when I do answer it I’m going to have to deal with a horrible decisions I’ve made. And even worse learn to deal with the guilt. I parented out of guilt I feel like I have no room to talk, so I don’t I discipline them so instead, I wanted them to like me.  once I stopped going to church that got even easier and it proved to my children at the church is just too strict and that it asks too much of its members. They blame my bad decisions on the church. They don’t know that it weren’t more of the church. I’d probably be a crack addict somewhere and that where I am as a product of my own making.