Meth: a Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral

Psychosis vs The Real World

Psychosis can produce a variety of symptoms. Hallucinations may be auditory or visual; believing what a person sees or hears is real is tagged as suffering from delusions.

I've mentioned in previous posts that I suffer from visual hallucinations caused by many years of methamphetamine use and abuse. This was especially true in the year before I was forced to quit. The things I saw became so horrific that I had no choice but to stop, and really, if not for the hallucinations making life a waking nightmare, I would probably still be caught in the cycle of addiction.

Over time, these entities I saw when high, and in the weeks and months after I quit meth...hallucinations that I first thought of as friends (but later showed themselves to be anything but), slowly diminished to a manageable level without necessitating the use of antipsychotics.

I did see a psychiatrist who prescribed antipsychotics (which I stopped taking after experiencing deliberating side effects). He told me there should be an improvement in my symptoms in around six months. Unfortunately, it appears that I may continue to live with the hallucinations indefinitely.

I understand what I say next may be considered as being delusional, but there is one thing I find hard to explain. I accept it is likely that the long-term use of methamphetamine has changed my brain chemistry, and that what I am seeing are likely to be hallucinations.

OK...here goes. If I blindfold myself and hold my hand up in front of my face, I at first only see darkness. But after a minute or two, I begin to see the silhouette of my hand. Then, when I move my fingers or rotate my hand, I can see the movement quite clearly.

I first discovered this phenomenon around eight months ago and put it down to my mind knowing what the hand is doing, and so, is tricking me into 'seeing' what is logically impossible for me to see.

Two months ago I asked Nada to help me by doing the same experiment, only using her hand instead of my own. She is aware of my past addiction and that I suffer from psychosis. She wasn't happy to participate, and after only a few minutes, I stopped the experiment without gaining any insight.

Closing my eyes, then holding a pillow to my face and watching my fingers wriggle in the darkness has become something I occasionally do for my own entertainment and to see if it still works. Then this morning, I again asked Nada if she would help. She agreed, and what happened next blew my mind.

For the first time, I saw someone else's hand moving when there was no possibility of that happening. Not wanting to press Nada too much, I told her to randomly move her hand or remain still and I would tell her when I saw any movement. According to her, I was correctly predicting her hand movements.

I accept that this experiment is far from proof that I am somehow seeing through the pillow, but it certainly gives me something more to ponder. These visions I see might be holograms. There are theories that the universe we live in is a hologram, and as hard as that is to swallow, I have experienced enough to think that theory might be true.

The entity I call Angel, who blinks and moves her eyes side to side (for yes and no, or in circles if she is either unsure or simply doesn't care) whenever I think or ask a question, remains a part of my life, and I believe, will do so until I die...and on that day I may finally find out what this is all about.