My Conversion Story Journal

January 11, 2025

I am an utter failure. As a convert, I am permitted to keep 99.9% of Shabbat, so I do something small like putting on Chapstick or lotion, or helping someone by turning off their stove. Small things that don't make me feel like I'm completely desecrating Shabbat. I have not broken Shabbat more than these small ways since I have moved to the community, until this Shabbat.

There was a small snow storm on Friday. I had to drive very slow to get home safely, so I only had a few minutes before my friend made it there to pick me up. I was having dinner at the Rabbi's. The Rebbetzin offered for me spend the night so I wouldn't have to walk to shul in the harsh weather in the morning. I packed a bag, just in case the weather got worse or the snow didn't stop during the time I was at dinner.

My friend arrived to pick me up and give me a ride since she was invited also. We joked about how she knew I wouldn't be ready even though she was late picking me up. I received a text message from my ex-boyfriend. I sent a snarky reply (not a proud moment), turned off my phone, grabbed my bag, and headed out the door.

I have never been to a dinner at the Rabbi's with so few people. Nor have I been to a dinner there where I knew everyone. I was so thirsty at the end of the fast that everything I drank was the best ever. I was nervous that I would have stomach issues eating someone else's food at the end of the fast, but it was only a short fast. I had no issues. My friend, on the other had, did. It could have been too low of blood sugar, or something else, but she scared me. She said that she was fine, but I wanted to make sure.

The snow hadn't stopped and was still coming down at the end of the dinner. Instead of staying, I got back into the car with my friend and let her drive me home. I cleaned off my vehicle and followed her home to make sure she got home safely. I sat there until she went inside.

I drove slowly back home thinking about how many times I had broken Shabbat, but knowing that I would do it over again if given the choice. Then I walked inside.

There was a smell that was really bad. It had not been there when I had left for dinner. I no idea where it was coming from. I had a bag of garbage that I hadn't had time to take out before Shabbat started, but it didn't seem to be coming from that bag, or so I thought. I figured that I could find it after Shabbat, and that it would be fine. I was wrong.

The next day, I got up, got ready, and went to shul wearing the dress that my friend wanted me to wear. I prayed and watched for her to come around the time she normally arrived. When she walked in the door, I felt a huge wave of relief. The Rebbetzin was a little late, which had me wondering if she had gotten sick after we left, but she walked in smiling like normal, and my anxiety quickly vanished.

I had kiddush at another friend's house. My friend who had been sick at the dinner the night before was there. She drove next me after the meal as I walked home. She was doing fine, and it made me feel a little guilty about breaking Shabbat so much the night before, but at the same time, I knew I would do it again. Then I felt guilty about that.

I got home wanting to say my Tehillim and take a nap. However, I walked in the door, and the smell was overwhelming. I had purchased a small bottle of milk over the holiday break that I intended to use to make the Oreo truffles (made on Monday instead) for my students. It had gone bad in the fridge (unopened) before I had the chance to make them. I didn't want to open it because I knew it would smell bad. I put the unopened, sealed bottle of milk in the garbage. I Somehow, it had ruptured in the bad and spoiled milk was spilling all over the kitchen floor and under the meat cabinet. I wanted so bad to wait the few hours until Shabbat was over to clean it up, but the smell was too much.

I took the garbage out to the dumpster with milk dripping the entire way. I grabbed a washcloth, wet it, wrung it out and cringed. I broke Shabbat again. I tried to clean up the stinky, spoiled milk covering my kitchen floor and all the drips out the door without breaking Shabbat again, but it was too much milk. I got the mop and mopped up the rest.

I wanted so bad to put a wax melt in my warmer, but I resisted. However, at that point I had broken Shabbat so many times, would doing one more thing really matter that much?

I said my Tehillim and took a very short nap. I woke up just as Shabbat ended. I cried doing Havdalah.

Did I fail this past Shabbat, yes. From the moment I sent the snarky comment until the moment I put out the flame of the Havdala candle, I failed multiple times. As someone who does not live in failure, I spent some time crying on G-d's shoulder, sent a text apologizing to my ex who accepted the apology, gave charity, and bought prayer books for holidays Selichot, Yom Kippur, and Rosh Hashanah so I can study them before the holidays arrive again.

Tonight I will have some chocolate and a good sleep. Tomorrow, I will study, and I already know that next Shabbat will be better. I have no doubts that the king of the universe created me and has called me to do this. Therefore, I cannot and will not stay a failure.

Shavua Tov.