My Conversion Story Journal

December 17, 2024

I admit that I have been very overwhelmed with life lately. There have been times that I wish I could just sleep and study. However, I can't, and I need to get the balance between studying, living life here, events in the community, classes, and friends.

I love learning, and there are times that I put off things that I shouldn't just to study a little bit longer or take one more class. My Hebrew is getting better. I am getting over my fear of my own voice and starting to make attempts even if I'm not sure that I am going to be correct. I'm usually close if I'm not correct, which is good. I can answer basic questions, put simple sentences together and read with nikkud.

I have learned quite a bit in my classes with the Rabbi who laughs. Not only has he cleared up some misconceptions that I had, but I have learned things that I could put into practice right away. I get a bit discouraged that some things I can't do yet, since I am still just converting, but he finds a way to teach me things and help me apply those things in real life. It's nice. Not that I don't still mess up on Shabbos. I know I do, but that's kind of the point right now. I know when I do something that I shouldn't have done, I know how to fix it, and I know what to do to make sure I don't do it again next time. I enjoy learning about the kitchen and how keep everything kosher.

While my friend was away, I learned right from the Shulchan Aruch with the Rabbi who laughs. I really enjoy learning from it. It is straight forward and so in depth.

I'm taking a class on relationships. I was afraid to take it at first because I have no reason to take a class on intimate relationships, but it isn't like that. It is how to improve every kind of relationship. The women's group also has classes on prayer that I have taking once a month. I love that these classes have text from the Torah (Old Testament), poetry, and writings in Hebrew first and then translated into English. These tiny golden nuggets of Jewish wisdom in Hebrew is what drew me into studying Judaism so heavily.

Hanukkah is coming up soon. It actually starts Christmas night. I lit my electric menorah last year, and that was really my only Hanukkah experience. This year is already different. I helped set up a bit for the Hanukkah Wonderland. It is a kids event that celebrates Hanukkah. There is a wall with large storyboards that tell the Hanukkah story in a way that kids can understand it. I wasn't excited for Hanukkah last year. I am this year. Living in the community is different. I will get to see how it is celebrated by families with children. I will get to light a real menorah. Hanukkah is everywhere here, and I love it.

Life is sometimes overwhelming here. There are things that I miss because I am so busy working and studying. I still haven't had the chance to bake challah since I've moved here. I miss it. I love that I can go to the store at the corner and buy a fresh kosher loaf, but I miss making my own too. There were some kosher coconut bites that I bought on my way home when I lived three hours away, and I can't find them here. It's crazy because I can find everything that I struggled to find before I moved here. I love that I can get non-diary ranch, matzah, kosher mints glatt kosher meat, multiple kinds of kosher cheese, and kosher grape juice at so many different places. Why do I miss that one little thing that I can't find here? I don't know, but I do.

Perhaps its the fact that winter is here, the nights are long, and days are short that has me feeling overwhelmed. Making it home in time to light candles on Shabbat is the thing that stays in the forefront of my mind every Friday. The wondering if I have everything I need for Shabbat dinner or the time to make it to whosever house I am eating at, or if I have the house prepared for Shabbat, and if I called and messaged my kids before turning off my phone for the night. It's a lot. But then Shabbat starts and there is a peace that I've never known before. Focusing on the dinner either alone or with friends is all that matters. It's a happy time, peaceful. I long for it and miss it when its over.

Perhaps it is the end of the semester approaching and I still have 3 lessons to teach, review to do, and an exam to give.

Perhaps its because I haven't heard from the Beit Din in months, not that I expect to hear from them or see them often. I just don't want to be forgotten, because I do want to convert. That hasn't changed.

Perhaps it is the wars. The middle east used to feel so far away. It is literally the other side of the world. It doesn't feel so far away anymore. I say Tehillim (Psalms) for the soldiers and the hostages two times a week (or more). My email is flooded with stories of the war and the expansion of the war. Syria has fallen and is being taken over by rebels (good or bad?). Germany has government issues. Then there is Gaza, Lebanon, the UAE, Egypt, Iran, and the list goes on and on. All of these wars and issues in other countries never bothered me before, but when my world became bigger and my friendships became more diverse, the Earth became small. I know that Hashem is in control and he will have in power who he wants in power (even here in the US) and we can trust that he will do what is best for us.

Life does sometimes feel overwhelming right now, but when I get this feeling, I stop and say a prayer. Praying is the one thing that has never changed and never will. I know where to find peace. I know where to find guidance. I know where to find strength to keep going. G-d is still my everything. I will always turn to him and find my refuge.

Life can be a lot, but there's G-d.