My Conversion Story Journal

December 3, 2024

I had my first Friday night Shabbat dinner at home a couple of weeks ago. It was nice, but it was not the same. I was so tired and just wanted to be able to go to bed early. I lit my candles and sang alone to bring in Shabbat. I said Kiddush (which I still struggle with) and ate alone. It was quiet. I stayed home from shul and prayed at home. I read the Torah portion at home as well. I missed synagogue, a lot. I slept a lot.

When I didn't show up at synagogue, I had a friend stop by to check on me. Talking with her was the longest I stayed up that day. After Shabbat ended, I received a lot of text messages asking if I was okay.

Being in a community is definitely different from what I am used to. I'm not used to so many people checking on me when I'm sick, or anyone other than my children. There is a lot of adjustment. I try to make it shul by a certain time because I know if I am late (which I have been from talking to someone in the community) that it will be noticed and people will worry. Before moving here, missing a week wasn't anything because they knew that I drove so far, and we didn't have the close relationships like we do now.

My life right now revolves around my learning. Hebrew lessons 3 days a week, lessons on keeping a kosher kitchen and Shabbat 2 days a week, a class on relationships 1 day a week, a class on Isaiah and Psalms 1 day a week each, plus community events and Shabbat. Honestly, I don't want it to change. I like the learning and I like my focus on what I'm learning.

Will I have Shabbat dinner alone again this week? I don't know. But whether I am spending the evening with friends or lighting candles in my own dining room, the love for Shabbat will be the same.

I do love it here, and my decision, again, is to stay.