Shadow and Light Poetry

Bad Teeth and Other Dental Poems

Bad Teeth and Other Dental Poems

I have bad teeth
Really bad behaving teeth
All my life I have battled my teeth

And many crooked dentists
Have gotten rich off trying to fix
These damn crooked teeth of mine

I always wished I could have perfect teeth
Perfect vision
Perfect hearing
Perfect athletic body

But instead I have crooked teeth
Bad vision
Bad hearing
And an uncoordinated body to boot

Thus is my fate
And I have learned to accept
These damn crooked teeth
And my visits to crooked dentists
 
Dental Torture Blues

Sitting in the dental chair
Undergoing dental surgery
While the dentist probes
And tortures me
With his instruments of pain

The Frank Zappa song plays over and over
The torture never stops
The torture never stops

And I think of the mad dentist
In Little House of Horrors
The Jack Nicolson character
Who screams Pain is good

As he assaults his patients
Doing root canals
Without anesthesia

And so I endure the torture
Of the dentist
In the vain hope
I can save my teeth

Until the next time
I undergo dental torture
The song faces away
And I slowly recover

Then as I leave
I am confronted with the bill
And the song roars back to life

The torture never stops
the torture never stops
 
More Dental Blues
I have the dentist blues
I have them bad

Have to go to the dentist
For my twice yearly torture session

In order to save my remaining teeth
I must endure the never ending pain

I have the dentist blues
I have them bad

I must have known over 100 dentists
During my 61 years around the sun

Some were good, some were great
A few became friends
A few became enemies

I have the dentist blues
I have them bad

All tortured me
Saying it was for my own good
To save my crooked wicked teeth

My teeth are bad
Wicked, misbehaving

Rotten to the core
And always have

I have the dentist blues
I have them bad

I tried orthodontic braces
As a child
Gave it up as an adult

Did everything except implants
So many crowns
So much dental work

My teeth are gold plated
Monuments to the dental artistry
I have the dentist blues
I have them bad

A few dentists were exceptionally good
A few exceptionally bad
A few were crooks by and by

I have the dentist blues
I have them bad

My current dentist is good
He keeps the chit chat down
Does not lecture me on his political views

Imagine having a dentist praise GW Bush
Or Trump taking your forced silence
As acceptance of his right wing views

Imagine a dentist talking endlessly
About her children’s latest escapade
While drilling away

I have the dentist blues
I have them bad

And imagine a sexy dentist
Or hygienist working away
As you think of her in bed

And can’t get that thought
Out of you head
As they drill and poke

I have the dentist blues
I have them bad

Yes I have a love hate relationship
With dentists
Can’t stand them
Can’t stand the pain

But they save my teeth
And save my smile
And so I forgive them
One and all

I have the dentist blues
I have them bad