what matters and why

judgement

 (This entry was edited by 1boy on 07-03-01 @ 8:58 am EDT)

 (This entry was edited by 1boy on 05-05-01 @ 11:45 pm EDT)

8:40pm
5/5/01

I can still see the look on her face when I suggested that we call this friend of hers and tell her it was too late to go eat, and that we should go home. The weather was horrible and we'd spent the previous two hours attempting to navigate our way through an area we're not familiar with. She looked straight ahead, at the road we could barely see, teeth clenched and eyes cold, and didn't say anything. I could see the gears turning in her head, desperately thinking of something to say to justify staying out so late. She won in the end, and we stayed so she could drink a little more. This was her night and didn't want anything to get in the way, including her married friend, whose husband was not so thrilled with them going out in tornado weather. It didn't matter to her that her mom had expected her home already thirty minutes before, and could possibly worried. She had her fun though, not too much but enough for someone who never goes out. We did have a decent time, in the car on the way there, being able to have a conversation with no child interrupting every two seconds. She wanted to drink the second we left the house, which I had anticipated, her being so young and wanting to get as much alcohol in as possible before she has to go home. With her friend, though, she was very quiet, not talkative like I'd expect around a best friend, someone you've known your whole life. Like she's trying to paint a picture of a different person, make her believe she's doing better than she is out here. Which makes sense, and may even be something I would do myself. So it would explain her implyng that she's well on her way to her law degree, when she can't even pass her remedial english class. I guess she felt she needed to prove something to an old friend, or was hoping that her friend would pass on the gossip about how well she's doing. Which was fine. Then her friend says, so what are you doing these days, and when she answered that she stays home with her son, I could see a small shadow of disapproval cross over her face. Like her choice to stay home translated to laziness. Her friend also has a child, but said she's not the type who could ever stay home; she needs to be busy. It's fine...to each their own, but I just want to say don't judge someone else on their choice. Except for the weather, his getting upset, and her defiant attitude, and her friend's superior one, the night went okay. But I won't be out with her again for a while, I don't think. After I got home last night, I was so worried that he was mad that we'd gone so far out of the way, I couldn't sleep. I spent the whole night staring at the clock, waiting for morning, in anticipation of a big fight. But it never came. And it made me feel horribly guilty, even though I did nothing wrong. Except going too far when he advised against it. I feel even worse when I think what a good husband, father, provider and everything else he is. I feel like I am worth nothing compared to him and all he does.

During the conversation last night, it came up that I'd gotten married almost four years ago, when I was already three mos. pregnant with my son. This time it wasn't a look of disapproval on her friend's face, but of disgust. I know the look; I've seen it before. And I know what goes through the head of whoever is judging me on that decision. Possibly assuming that my marriage will fail, because statistics prove it to be so. 70-80 percent of marriages fail already, she said. And when you're forced into it, you're adding extra pressure. Not a direct quote, but in general, that's what she said. Thought I've heard over and over and over again, the that kind of judgement never fails to make me so mad that I want to scream. I feel like since day one, I have been constantly defending this choice. And on our fiftieth wedding anniversary, I don't feel like anything will have changed; that the whole world will still assume that since we married hastily, expecting, and too young, that we must not get along, and that behind closed doors our life is a living hell. But, she added, it's good to see people like you doing so well after making that decision. As if saying that made up for what she said before. I wanted to strangle her. I think that's when my night out was not so fun anymore. I just wish people would keep those thoughts to themselves. I would never make an ugly face if someone told me that their marriage was a result of an unplanned pregnancy, well of course I wouldn't, b/c I've been on this side. You'd think by now I wouldn't be so defensive, but I am, even now more than a few years ago, because I feel so much more strongly about it. I look at my son's life compared to my single mother friend's lives, and there's absolutely no question about who is recieving a better quality childhood. And isn't that the most important. That a child is raised in a two parent, stable, secure family? It's what we've worked so relentlessly hard at providing for him, because he is the most important thing in the world to us. And what do we get in return for all that work? Harsh judgement. This society is definetely more single parent friendly than family. At least when you're young. To the day I die, I will defend the decision we made, and know that it was the right one. So what if we weren't planning on marrying before then? So what if I didn't consider him my soulmate. He's a better father than most of the dads I've ever met, and he's my best friend. Being married for this long, I've learned that marriage is not all about passion and love, but it's a lot of work, and patience more than anything else. Picking and choosing your battles, and learning together. It just makes me so mad when people assume things about me that just aren't true. We are not a typical statistic, we never have been. I feel like we've already beaten the odds and made it through the most difficult parts, yet still, the rude comments and dirty looks keep coming. The guy at school last semester, "you don't think it was a mistake to marry at 18?" the girl at work 3 yrs ago "did you consider NOT getting married?" I don't know why it upsets me so much. I knew that would happen, and had prepared myself for it. But everytime I am confronted with a situation like last night, I am at a loss for words, and usually fail to say the right thing. How can I explain what a good job we've done and what reason would they have to believe me anyway. It would take years of knowing us to know that we are actually doing okay, and it's not just a show. I don't regret our decision, I think it was the best thing. It hasn't been the easiest time of my life, but the most rewarding. When I see my child's face and know that everything in his little life is perfect, it makes it all worthwhile, and for a minute, I can even dismiss all the rude things that have been said to me.