My Conversion Story Journal

November 20, 2024

Today is day 411 that the hostages have been in captivity.

I was in synagogue during part of the October 7th massacre in Israel. I heard about it as I was walking on the sidewalk in front of the synagogue. The guard was listening to the news broadcast and keeping people updated. I remember feeling sad, lost and helpless. For weeks afterwards, people asked me if I was sure I wanted to convert. My response was always yes.

On Sunday, I watched the movie We Will Dance Again. It is a documentary on the massacre that occurred at the Nova music festival. I had seen quite a bit of the footage already, but seeing it laid out in a timeline with even more footage of the before which I had not seen), more of the during, and more of the after was really hard. It helped me understand the true brutality and evilness of Hamas and all of those that participated in killing innocent, unarmed women, men, and children. I still don't understand how someone can hate like that, but I do understand that hate only understands hate. It doesn't matter your race, religion (multiple Muslims were tortured and executed as well), language, gender, age, job title, level of innocence, faith, allegiance, character, or contribution to the world because hate doesn't care. Hate only understands hate, and all that stand in its way of destruction and depravity suffer from it. Hate only wants to hate and can't even comprehend what is like not to hate someone. I can't imagine living like that. I can't imagine wanting to live like that or celebrate living like that.

On Monday, I went to the Nova exhibit. It contained footage and recordings that I had already seen for the most part, but it also contained actual items from the Nova festival. After seeing the movie, the exhibit was a bit much. There were two burned up cars that came from the Nova festival. I knew that they had contained bodies, because the movie the day before said that every single shot up and burned car contained dead bodies. It was impossible to not step on the cars' burnt ash. Then at the end was a wall with the hostages pictures. There was a video of Hersh's mother talking. It was only day one hundred and something. She didn't know at that time that he would be murdered by his captors right before being rescued. His picture was on the wall. Also on the wall was the photo of Ori Danino who was taken hostage when he went back to try to rescue friends. He was killed along with Hersh. That was honestly a little too much.

Over the past couple of days, I have dealt with sadness, grief, anger, a lot of anger, disbelief, confusion, sorrow, and a lot of questions. At the end of each day, though, I say, "G-d, I don't understand at all, but I trust you, and I love you."

Do I understand why people keep asking me if I am sure about this conversion. Yes, I understand. However, we don't get to choose how we die, but we do get to choose how we live. I have never had such a close relationship with G-d like I do now. I love my close relationship with G-d. That alone is enough reason for me.