what matters and why

night out

 (This entry was edited by 1boy on 07-03-01 @ 8:55 am EDT)

 (This entry was edited by 1boy on 05-05-01 @ 11:48 pm EDT)

 (This entry was edited by 1boy on 05-05-01 @ 8:41 pm EDT)

8:30am

What did I get myself into? I told a friend I would drive her downtown on friday to see her friends. At first it was just that, taking her there, hang out for a few hours, and go home. Now it's turned into this big lie, but I've already told her I'd go. Both of us are due for a night out, on the other, I don't want to lie to her mother, and I don't want to lie to my husband. He's right when he said she's young and still immature, she still wants her teenage life, and could possibly do something stupid, and I'd be caught in the middle. He said it's up to me whether I want to go or not, but I know he doesn't approve. The worst thing is is that he's always right. I probably would end up drinking too much and driving home, or end up somewhere we shouldn't be. I hate it when he doesn't trust me to make the right decisions, but how can I when I don't even trust myself. When I'm lying to him already, making the situation sound more innocent than it is. So I've already said I'd go, and she couldn't be more excited. I don't blame her. She's nineteen, single, and so cute and has no life outside of her kid. She wants her time, her night out, and I'd like to be able to help her. But I'm married, I don't desire to have the kind of fun that she does. I'd rather go eat and to a movie. It proves what I've known for so long. I am incredibly boring. Maybe I don't know how to have fun anymore. The more I think about this, the more I dread going. And it should be something I'm looking forward to. The only reason I wanted to in the beginning is because of the area we were going, and I was thinking other possibilities. And now I know that's just stupid, and I really don't want to spend a night hanging out with people I don't know. I doubt that she'll go for the idea of dinner and a movie. I have this horrible feeling that something will not work out, that her mom will find out that he's not going, and she'll tell him. Why did she have to lie to her mom? And now put me in the middle. Talking to her on the phone the other day brought back such a familiar feeling. Sophomore year, and my friend having a hard time dealing with her family, wanting to run away, and somehow always pulling me in the middle of her little schemes. Not that I was innocent, but after everything is over, I always wonder why I got involved in the first place, why I'm even friends with that person. I don't seem to benefit from this kind of friendship. It always gets me in trouble. Not only do I not look forward to hanging out with people I don't know, and a place I'm not familiar with, but I'm not cute like her, and most likely I'd just be like a shadow in the background, her designated driver. I'm only three years older, but it feels like ten years. I feel like that with all my single friends, and I guess that comes with being married. It's not her fault. She only wants to have fun, but I think I'm the wrong person. If I tell her I've changed my mind, she'll be so disappointed. If I tell her he said no, she'll assume we have a disfunctional relationship. She knows he goes out with his friends all the time. I just don't want to ruin my chances of ever having a girl's night out with this, something I don't even want to do. Already it's taken so long for him to get over the time I drove home completely trashed, which was stupid I agree. And that was a year and a half ago, and I haven't been out since. And when I ask to go, he asks so many questions, I feel like I'm living with my parents. It's not even worth going, because it's so much trouble. I don't want to do this.. I really don't. I wish I had just told her no from the beginning. Now I'm stuck. Why am I so stupid.