My Conversion Story Journal

October 13, 2024

This past weekend was Yom Kippur. It is a fast (no food and no water) from sundown Friday night until after sundown Saturday night. This is the one holiday that I struggle with. I love being in the synagogue praying for two days (except the couple hours that I slept), but the no showering or hygiene at all leaves me feeling disgusting and only thinking about how much I want to brush my teeth.

I admit that this year was not as difficult as last year. My feet didn't hurt as much at the end of the day. I didn't feel out of place at all. I wasn't hungry the entire day, just thirsty.

The entire day was different for me than it was last year. I knew what I did all year. I didn't know that the year before like I did this past year. It wasn't just another year of the same old, same old. Life has changed so much over the past year. Reflecting over the past year has been a daily activity for the month of Elul. This reflection for me didn't end with Rosh Hashana or when Yom Kippur started.

It was near the beginning of Saturday morning service when we were still early on in the book and reading the blessings and thanksgivings to Hashem for our blessings over this past year. One point (which was probably repeated multiple times throughout the day) thanked him for bringing us to that place at that moment and for all of the good throughout the year, because everything he does is for the good. It was that moment that it me and I couldn't stop crying.

If I never get to finish my conversion for any reason, if I die this year and never get to learn another thing or see another friend in my community, I can still be thankful. I am thankful for this moment in my life, for this time in my life, for this season of my life. Of every season in my life, this is my favorite one.

I hope I get to continue this year and eventually reach the mikvah, but if I stand before Hashem before I reach that point in my life, I will still thank him for the time that I have had to learn more about him and grow closer to him and to everyone in this amazing community.

Before moving to this community, I worried that my actions would become rote and that I would just do things because I felt obligated to do them. That is not the case now and I hope it will never be the case. The more that I learn, the more that I want to learn and the more that I want to follow what I learn. Everything I do at every moment of every day has meaning, and I am so thankful for being here in this place at this moment.