My Conversion Story Journal

September 24, 2024

It's been days since I went to dinner at a community member's house for the start of Shabbat. However, after a lovely evening and great food, I messed up. No one knows it except me. It is all that I can think about. The guilt is overwhelming. Why do I feel so guilty about this?

It was late when we finished dinner. I was extremely tired as was everyone else there. Kids were passed out in various rooms of the house. I didn't know the people very well, and I could tell they were ready to go to bed or to the next community even (at 11pm!).

They had benchers (prayer books for after dinner) on the table. I grabbed one along with everyone else. The only problem is that it was all in Hebrew. I can read Hebrew, yes, but slowly. It felt as though everyone was staring at me and wanted me to hurry and finish. There was no way that I could have finished doing the Grace After Meals prayer in such a short time. I skimmed some sections. I thought about what it was saying, because I knew what it was supposed to be saying, but I didn't do it all.

I sometimes get busy doing things after I eat and run out of time to do the Grace After Meals, but I can't remember the last Shabbat that I didn't pray the Grace After Meals properly. I can't eat without thinking about it. I can't pray without thinking about it. I know that I am not going to feel better until after I do it properly this Shabbat.

Why do I still feel guilty about it? Maybe because Shabbat is such a holy day and means so much. Maybe because I know I should have done better. Whatever the reason, I hope I never do it again, because this feeling stinks.