Blogocentric Formulations

Hiding behind humor

"Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise"  | Day 3167 Prompt ▼

Which one of these cliche comments annoys you the most and why--
         1. “Back in my day…”
         2. “You’re so lucky you don’t have to work.”
         3. “Oh, you’re still doing that?”
         4. “We never did things that way.”
         5. “Are you sure you want to eat that?”
         6. “That’s not how we raised our children.”
         7. “I just want what’s best for you.”
         8. “I was just joking!”

I don't believe that #2 has ever applied to me since I've always had to work... ask me when I'm retired in 25+ years and I'll let you know how I feel about it then!

The other eight comments I've experienced at one time or another, and I find them all annoying for a variety of reasons. I guess the "back in my day" and "I just want what's best for you" are probably the least annoying because they involve someone contextualizing their experience or emphasizing that, whatever was said was done with good intentions. I don't really fault people for either of those things unless they veer into the territory of the next group of comments...

I get annoyed with the number of times older people seem to use it, but hey, nothing wrong with a little nostalgia for the past. The ones that annoy me are the ones where there's an implied condescension. "Oh, you're still doing that?" and "We never did things that way..." and "Are you sure you want to eat that?" imply that the person you're addressing is wrong in their choices, but the person making the comment doesn't have the courage to actually directly disagree; they just want to passive aggressively let it be known that they disapprove of your choice.

By far, the ones I am most annoyed by are "That's not how we raised our children" and "I was just joking."

"That's not how we raised our children" isn't just annoying to me; it's personally offensive. Unless I'm specifically asking you for advice on how to raise my children or I'm doing something that violates some law or major moral standard, asserting that my parenting choices would not be your parenting choices is not a piece of information that I'm particularly interested in knowing. I don't really care if you think my kids go to bed too late, or get too much screen time, or are encouraged in a behavior that you personally find undesirable in children. And, statistically speaking, you're unlikely to have raised perfect children yourself, so I think most parenting choices can be filed away as "matter of opinion" or "doing their best" and deserve considerable deference from the rest of us. Again, assuming we're not talking about something illegal or harmful to the children.

But even the "condescending parent" dynamic pales in comparison to the "I was just joking" excuse. While there are certainly times when you're trying to make a joke and it doesn't come across and you have to clarify that humor was intended, I think this excuse is far more often applied as a way of glossing over or excusing someone who wants to say something that's just plain critical or mean. I've seen this excuse used by significant others, colleagues, family members, etc. and I'd guess that maybe ten percent of the time it's an earnest, "Sorry, I meant for that to be funny and I guess it didn't come across that way." The other ninety percent of the time? It's a flimsy excuse to say, "That insensitive thing I just said? Just get over it already." If you want to tease, insult, or hurt someone, at least have the guts to do it without then gaslighting the recipient by claiming that it's humor that they're too sensitive to appreciate.

All of these sayings are annoying, but I think the "I was just joking" is actually a damaging, hurtful thing to say on top of being annoying.


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