GWEEP!

Christmas Line Up At BBC None

We've got a great Christmas line up for you here on BBC None.

[Personally I doubt the veracity of that statement, but that is what the script says.]

With a sock-full of surprises to delight all the family.

[Can you believe they were originally going to pedal this as a sock-it-to-me Christmas?]

All your holiday favourites gathered under one tree.

[Some day I'm going to bury this script writer with a sprig of holly through his heart.]

[Oh, and for 'holiday favourites' read a boat load of programmes you've seen so many times before that you'll be lip syncing along happily the whole day. Some of these episodes of Dad's Army are coming up to their 100th outings!]

The stars are leading you onwards to a fantastic Christmas with BBC None.

[Let's face it, anyone under oh, say thirty, will have no clue who these 'stars' are, since they've never once made it to Tik-Tok or even YouTube]

There's high drama on your favourite soaps.

[Probably a plane crash, no I tell a lie, that was last year, but there will be a murder, a surprise return of some long dead cast member, and a premature birth on Christmas day itself... awww, sweet.]

Cheery Chappie springs the perfect Christmas surprise.

[Pretty sure this means he will be terrorising sick children unfortunate enough to be in hospital, you'd think they'd learned their lesson there.]

And we'll be joined by a host of cute critters for 'Cute Cavies Christmas Cracker Compendium.

[Inexplicably hosted by three guinea pigs juggled by a very odd person on a unicycle and telling jokes that would make your dad wince. Probably the best thing we have to offer this year]