Wonderful World

Autistic

So I'm five days late for acknowledging this but I want to share my own feelings about Autism. We've all seen movies like Rain Man and TV with that one character that doesn't quite "fit in" because they have smarts but no social acumen. I acknowledge that a lot of them are probably written by "normal people" who don't understand neurodiversity.

I'll be honest, I didn't know what that meant until last year. I have a cousin and a niece and nephew by marriage with Autism. They are really cool people. I might be on that spectrum too but I'll never know because my parents never took me to a neurologist.

Ever since I was in preschool, all my parents wanted me to be was normal. My dad especially fought hard against every school counselor and teacher who suggested I was different. Later, my mom would join in on that fight. I guess they worried I'd be stigmatized or put in a class with the "retards".(sorry to use that term, I know it's dated and offensive but considering once my own dad called me a "social retard", it's hard to get that language out of my vocabulary.) They even pulled me out of regular school when I was in middle school and homeschooled me through my freshman year of highschool.

It was a special brand of hell. I couldn't take all the pressure to be normal. I didn't get any behavioral or cognitive intervention.

They spent so much time fighting for me to be normal. I had no idea that being Autistic wasn't a bad thing.

Years and years passed. They were full of conflicts with peers and teachers. Other kids hated me and friends I had had since kindergarten abandoned me because I was "different" gross and unpopular. It didn't matter how hard my parents fought, I was weird and they all knew it before I did.

Eventually, due to my dad not keeping records in homeschool, I was forced to take the GED to move on from High-school in a timely manner.

I wasn't dumb by any means. I was one of the best Academic Decathletes on my high-school's varsity team. But I had no friends and it hurt. I remember when we went to the Nationals, my teammate, Suzie Sandoval, screamed at me "you complain all the time you don't have any friends? You know why you don't have any friends? You don't do the things normal people do!"

It hurt but it was accurate. I didn't get social cues, I didn't pay attention to hygiene, I didn't make fun of my teachers on purpose, I didn't like to party and I was a klutz to boot.

Anyways, jumping cock-a-lan, I made it to College. Whether it was intentional or not, I began trying to address what I saw as my faults. I took dance classes to improve my ability to affect and move. I attended every roommate meeting no matter how painful it was.(They often included the implementation of chore charts or at least a long list of complaints about my temperament or cleanliness or some combination of the two.) I talked to my RA all in an effort to become more normal. I learned both inside and outside the classroom.

Eventually my cousin's parents, the ones with the Autistic child. Did a research study that I consented to participate in. They wanted to understand if there was a genetic component to Autism. I provided a DNA sample and sat for the interview with their neurologist.

The doctor used the bathroom before coming to sit at the table. He offered his hand to me but I hesitated to shake it. There was a single bead of water sitting on his hand. I thought "eww, what if he peed on his hands?" Of course he hadn't. He said "Oh that? It's a water drop I forgot to dry off."

I shook his hand and we did a whole bunch of things like look at kids books. I remember it was a boring one about flying frogs. He asked me to describe the emotions on the faces of animals. I kept my answers simple but I got really bored.

One time he asked me to take a break and choose an activity. He had a pen that was a top, one of those pokey thingies with blunt nails that you can stick your hands in and it makes shapes and a magazine about volcanoes.

I tried drawing with the pen but it was too hard. I didn't think I'd like the way the blunt needles would feel on my hand so I skipped that. I leafed through the magazine. Finally he gave me a multiple choice test.

After answering some of those questions I got uncomfortable. I knew I was weird so I kind of downplayed some of my behaviors to make myself seem more normal.

I realize I probably skewed their experiment's results. I feel kind of bad about that. At least my DNA couldn't lie. But that datum was probably anonymized.

Ever since my participation in that experiment, I've wondered to myself "Do I have Autism?" I have no definitive answer but as I've aged I've learned something more important.

I have a nephew with mild Autism and ADHD. He is still brilliant and when we get together I feel like he is a kindred spirit. His disorder is just part of who he is and yes sometimes that makes him rude and difficult. Still I wouldn't trade him for the world and I hope he does something amazing with his life.

My hero, Temple Grandin, is a talented animal behaviorist. She notices things that even people who have jobs working with animals miss. It is because of the way she sees the world. She has Autism.

Some of the things I watch on YouTube are by a musician called Dan Bull. He does nerd core and Minecraft rap videos as well as raps on various other topics. My favorite songs of his are "Choo Choo Charlie", "Quiet Please", and "You Don't Want To Mess With The Enderman." They're smart funny and he has a good flow to his rhymes. He is also Autistic.

So I guess that long ramble could be summed up in this last paragraph. I grew up thinking Autism was a disability. But it's not. People call it a disorder but really it might just be a super power.

Word count: 1077
Prompt: Autism Pride Day (6/18)