My Conversion Story Journal

June 3, 2024

This past Shabbat we said a blessing for the new month. It was the second month that I did not know what month was next. I had gotten behind on my whiteboard because of work. Sometimes when I don't know things like that: days of the week, the month, etc., I feel like a little child. I'm learning everything all over again. Not just how to pronounce Monday in another language, but an entire different calendar system. I don't have it down yet, and it makes me feel so inadequate. It's been a year that I have been studying the holidays and going through the Hebrew calendar, but I still feel behind. I know that with work, and Hebrew classes, and Chabad Academy classes, and the Ark online, and books I'm reading, and anything else I can get my hands on, I'm being way to hard on myself. The problem is that the more I know, the more I can do. I want nothing more than to worship Hashem the way he wants me to worship him. I can't do what I don't know to do. G-d has been so good to me. I just want everything I do to make him happy. I know that is not always going to happen, but the more I know, the better person I can be, and the better I am able to follow his will for my life.

I know I have come so far. I am not having to hide in a stranger's bathroom and having a panic attack. I don't have to google every other word to understand a sentence. I have good prayer habits. I study Torah every week. I want more than ever to be a Jew. I don't ever want to go back to just being.