what matters and why

am I enough

 (This entry was edited by 1boy on 07-03-01 @ 8:52 am EDT)

9:30am

I said that I may want to look into a journalism degree. "For what?" he says, like that's the most ridiculous idea he's ever heard. I'd love to write for a newspaper, even better a sports writer for the local high schools. "How much do they make?" He wants to know, and I'm fairly certain that it's not enough. So I said nevermind. Journalism classes just sounded so much more interesting to me than marketing, business, real estate, etc. But it's the same as an education or social work. It's not enough. I need to make more than that, he'll say, or it's just not worth the time. But what if it's something I love doing? The thing is, he would support me I know if I insisted on pursuing something interesting to me. But I think he'd consider it selfish for me to want to do something that won't bring in the bucks. The original reason for the marketing was to pursue a career that would make enough so that he would have the option of working part time and continuing his education. At that time, his job wasn't something he wanted to do long term. But the way he talks now, it is, and I don't see any kind of college in his future, except maybe an associates degree at a 2 yr school, which he would complete while at the company. So if I'm not going to be supporting his education later, if he'll always have a well paying full time job, why isn't a teaching job good enough? Or a job that involved writing. Or a degree in english, classes that I would enjoy taking. I don't have much time, I need to decide quickly before I waste any more money. I just cannot complete a degree that I like but that he disapproves of. I can't go through all those years of school knowing I don't have his entire support, and then into a career field that he would consider less than enough. I have always been interested in real estate, but the time commitment doesn't appeal to me now, not with a family. I want to be there for every one of my kids' events, not miss them because I'm working. The thing I want most is a family friendly job, one that provides flexibility, and the option of being home after school, and things like that. I don't know that he thinks that far ahead, and when we talk about it he gets frustrated becuase he thinks I'm implying that I want to stay home and do "nothing" for the rest of my life. Which is not true. I will be happy to work, even full time if possible, but only if my kids are never in daycare, either him or myself is home with them before and after school, that one of us can always be at every practice, every game, and every other event that comes up. Doctor's appoitments, sick days, to me it's an endless list of basic needs of children, and a full time real estate job just does not fit into that schedule. I don't want to have to rely on my mom, or other family to take care of things in my life.

I think he'd like it if I were more assertive, and accomplished more things during the day. I get the feeling he thinks I do nothing while he's at work, which is far from the truth, though there are some days where I don't clean at all. Not as much as when we were first married, but I still feel like he wants me to be more like his mother, or sister, who are constantly on the go throughout the day, hardly sleep at all, they just never stop moving. Like they consume a gallon of coffee an hour, and just have to keep going. I've never been like that, and I hate the days when we're gone all day. I hated working, and hardly spending time at home. I like a more relaxed atmosphere, expecially for a three year old who requires so much playtime, and I want him to have that, and not have to feel rushed around all the time. He has been very supportive ever since I quit my job, and has refrained from making comments comparing me with his family, but sometimes I just have a feeling that what I do just isn't enough. It makes me feel guilty when I take naps during the day, or play on the computer (like right now, I guess I don't feel guilty enough to be doing something more important with my time.) I wonder if he would prefer me to be more career minded, goal oriented, and want to do something important with my life.