Wanda's Ramblings

Suicide

Suicide

My mother took her own life. Two of my uncles have taken their own lives. Several of my friends have taken their own lives over the years. I have tried to take my own life numerous times with a couple of those attempts very serious. As a paramedic for 20 years I attended thousands of completed and attempted suicides. Finally, although not licensed I completed a college course in counseling. So, I think I am qualified to speak a bit about suicide.

I’ll start with my mother. She had been doing a lot of writing and had started an autobiography shortly before her death, so I have a bit to go on there. She also had lists of bills, potential homes, etc. so she was not planning to kill herself during at least part of that time. She had been making plans and trying to help herself. The introduction to her autobiography shows that she knew she was in poor mental health and thought by getting everything down she could save herself. Towards the end the writing got darker, the drawings macabre, and the lists were unachievable. She ran out of hope.

As I’ve mentioned in other blogs hope is the key to surviving suicidal periods. The one suicide attempt that I made that was truly intended to end my life and left me angry the next morning when I woke up was at a point I saw zero hope left. It was towards the end of my addiction and I was being indicted for my 4th felony and I knew my life was over and I would be going to prison. I believe that surviving that attempt, along with putting my life back together after getting sober, has shown me that there is always hope. I have had some suicidal thoughts since then but no real intention or plan to go through with it because I have hope.

The state of mind that precedes a suicide attempt is extremely powerful. I know intimately the pain caused by the suicides of my uncles, my friends, and of course my mother. The devastation left behind is so complete because not only is the person gone but it is sudden and usually unexpected. The survivors usually have guilt because they wonder if they could have done anything to stop it. The bargaining phase of grief never seems to end with a loved ones suicide. Yet, having this intimate knowledge I still went through with it multiple times believing I would die even knowing the pain it would cause. That is a powerful state of mind indeed.

I can only speak for myself but at that point everything seems to slow down. It felt like my mind was going in slow motion and I felt numb. Suicide is very selfish and during those periods it was like I couldn’t think of anyone else. My mother’s writings don’t mention anyone else, outside her distant past mentioned in her autobiography, in any of her journaling or manuscript. It felt mechanical like once the decision was made the mind goes into a different mode and excludes everything and everyone except the details necessary to complete the task.

When I’ve had suicidal thoughts without the determination to go through with it I was still able to think about my loved ones and the pain it would cause. I could still make plans to get out of the current situation. Once the ability to plan and cope with whatever was bothering me diminished is when I would actually begin to make serious plans. My attempts were all using something I had on hand and did not require any real preparation. Most of the attempted and completed suicides I have been aware of were the same that is using something on hand.

Unless one is seriously disturbed, outside of the suicidal thoughts, I don’t think myself or most other people would be able to follow through with any suicide plans that required the gathering of materials or extensive planning and preparation. I have seen anecdotal stories of people doing so but I have not witnessed that. For me the simple act of getting in the car to go to a store would break that train of thought and make me see things differently. I would find hope again.

So once again hope is the key, see: https://wandajane.com/f/hope, and it is what has saved my life over and over again. I may be able to define other components of the decision not to kill myself on many occasions – prayer, friends, getting to a meeting, etc. But, it was always the restoration of hope that took the thoughts and urge away. I know what I’m going to say next may sound dangerous to some, but suicidal thoughts can be very comforting also.

Much like using the “one day at a time” concept from AA about drinking I can do the same with suicide. I know I can push through difficulty one day at a time without taking a drink because that concept contains the implied promise that I could drink the next day if I wanted to. In the same way I can push through difficulty one day at a time without killing myself because I could end it tomorrow if it seems to be too much. I also believe that both concepts only work if I have intimate knowledge of both subjects.

In other words, I know the horrors of alcoholism, so the concept works. In the same way, I know the power of believing I have killed myself, so the concept works. In both cases it is not merely words but the intimate knowledge and power behind it that work. I also know the devastating consequences of both decisions, so I do not believe I would go through with either choice today. But, I am also aware of myself enough today to know when to get help. I drove over to a friends house and asked to sleep on her couch for a couple of nights because I was scared of myself. I also have gone to meetings and confessed the urge to drink.

I want to stress that these thoughts apply to me only! If you are having suicidal thoughts or have contemplated killing yourself do not rely on my thoughts or methods, please reach out for help.

The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
• Call or text: 9-8-8
• Chat online: 988lifeline.org
• Support for people who are deaf and hard of hearing: Use your preferred relay service or dial 711 then 988.