Wanda's Ramblings

Change

Change

There are 3 types of people in this world. There are those who abhor change, those who welcome change, and then there are those who crave and initiate change. In reality, we all probably have a mixture of features from each of these groups. I used to belong almost exclusively to the first group, much like my father, but over the years I have softened quite a bit and accept change pretty well.

My father fought and resisted change tooth and nail. As the head of households, companies, and other systems he was able to keep change at bay for much of his life. If he moved, then everything in the house was arraigned exactly the same as the last house if possible. This was most notable in his bedroom. He had a freestanding full-length mirror, Roman statue, dressers, etc. that all wound up in the exact same relative positions in house after house. Everything was immaculately clean as well.

Psychologists can have a hay day with this type of behavior. Some of them would say that he must have come from a chaotic childhood with little order while others would insist he came from an overly structured environment. From knowing him and conversations over the years I know that his mother, by his words, was a slob and the house was always in disarray.
Some would say that the behavior resulting from a person’s childhood environment also depends greatly on what happens next. In my father's case, he would go on to join the military as well as spend some time in prison. Having grown up in disorder and then later being forced to conform to rigid order caused him to have very serious compulsions about cleanliness and order. His closets and drawers looked like showrooms. Everything was hung or folded with precision and perfectly lined up. Anything stained or worn, especially underwear, was promptly discarded.

In my case, my mother was also a bit slovenly although that can easily be attributed to her serious mental health problems. I would also go on to be incarcerated, institutionalized, and then become a firefighter and paramedic. Although our paths seemed very similar from the outside we wound up being very different in that I am a slob. And, while I am not dirty, my environment is always cluttered and in disarray. My cars, bedrooms, and office spaces have always suffered from neglect.

Since my father and I came from similar environments, at least as far as cleanliness and order go, and we obviously have very similar genetics then there must be some other explanation for our differences in resultant behaviors. So, the next thing I would like to explore is resilience to change.

I can extrapolate from conversations, anecdotal information, and family history that my father’s childhood was relatively linear. That means that while he may have experienced stress from the clutter and lack of cleanliness he at least knew where he was going home to and what was going to be there when he arrived from school or other outings. His family didn’t move around much either, so he had a fairly stable environment as well.

My childhood was the opposite in that respect. I was abandoned by my mother numerous times and spent most of my childhood, from 11 years old on, bouncing around between group homes, foster homes, and the streets. I learned to never grow roots and to expect almost continuous change. Unlike a child whose family simply moves around a lot, such as a military family, I was never able to feel secure and expected someone to come through the door any moment and tell me to pack up because I was going somewhere else again. In many of these cases, I would not even be able to take my meager belongings with me, so I would not have even a few familiar things to start over with.

Now all of this brings rise to many psychological and philosophical concepts, but I am focusing on change today. In that respect, I see that while my father was used to the clutter and disorder he was not exposed to constant change and therefore did not develop a resilience to change and became one of those who abhorred change and had to control even the change itself. I on the other hand was exposed to constant change and developed a high resilience to change because my life was out of my control and I had to adapt to new surroundings regularly.

As I mentioned I was highly resistant to change throughout a lot of my life. I think that was because having grown up in constant change and chaos I avoided change because I have a distaste for change more than fear of it. I also have a lot of mental health problems that resulted from my childhood and part of those survival mechanisms was to avoid change as well. I was also in a position to be able to resist change for the most part as well.

Fast forward to now being sober and many years of therapy helping to relieve my mental health issues and I accept change pretty healthily today. That is fortunate because since getting sober I have also divorced, moved out of the house I lived in for many years, and am unable to continue my former career due to my background. I think that is also why I have been able to adapt to living in sober living houses because it is very similar to my youth and I now have the resilience to adapt to moving from house to house and having new housemates regularly.

As I have mentioned in many previous writings today I choose the high road whenever possible. I think a lot of the reason I can do that is because of my resilience to change. Instead of looking at my past as something that beat me up and caused me pain, I can look at it as something that prepared me for my life today.