Wanda's Ramblings

What You've Got

What You've Got

I remember when I first left rehab a few years ago. I had 30 days sober, a bucketful of determination, and a healthy fear of relapse. I knew from what I had already been told and had seen, that one of the first things I needed to do was get a sponsor. I had a temporary sponsor in rehab, but he was urging me to get a permanent sponsor right away. I thought it was because he did not live in San Antonio but in hindsight, I think he knew I was going to be a handful.

Anyway, I went to a meeting right away, well after booking in and out of jail for a new felony I’d picked up while still drinking. By now I was paranoid that I would screw up, so I was still very motivated to do this thing right. I went to at least one meeting a day for much more than the recommended 90 days, the whole time on the lookout for a sponsor.

At my second or third meeting, this guy was sharing and recounting the blessings of a recent experience. I thought he was nuts at first because he talked about how he bought a new bicycle and while riding it home from the shop he was hit by a car and broke his arm. He still had the cast on and was going on about how he had medical insurance, the driver stopped and was insured, and the bike shop repaired the bike for free, etc.

As I listened to him it dawned on me that he had been just like me not too long ago. I started to see that this was the shit everyone was talking about, the fulfilled promises from the AA 12-step program. It then dawned on me that this would be a pretty good prospect for a sponsor. So, I told him I wanted what he had because problems seemed to roll off of his back like a duck’s. I asked him to sponsor me and he, reluctantly, agreed. Back then I was a hot mess and I don’t think anybody gave me much of a chance of staying sober let alone getting my life together.

We worked together diligently though, and I think he started to see something in me that others didn’t. We had been using the AA meeting hall to do step work but always had to leave when the keyholder left. I talked to the group leader and picked up a key to the hall since by now I was coming around regularly and had agreed to be the unofficial janitor. The next day when my sponsor said we couldn’t stay because they were locking up and I pulled out the key he stopped and looked at me for a minute and then smiled. I think that was the moment he knew I was going to make it. We worked together for several months and he walked me through all of the steps. I moved on to a female sponsor after I came out but have stayed in contact with him.

Fast forward and I am coming up on 9 years sober which still blows my mind. I was in a wreck with my car yesterday and was just happy no one was hurt, and I was able to limp my car home. As I was getting ready for work this morning I had been going over stuff in my mind. I thought that I was blessed that I had the money to catch a Lyft to work and back, I had full coverage insurance, I already had enough money for the deductible, and I would get half price on the bus pass because I am over 62, etc. I was mulling these things over and it hit me – I have what he’s got!

That realization made me reflect back over the last 9 years. If you had told or shown me what my life would be like today, I would have thought you were crazy and at that time I would not have wanted what I have today anyway. My life is simple today and I like it that way. The chaos and insanity have left me. The only thing that the sponsor asked me to do in return is to keep passing it along the way he passed it on to me. Every time I text him or call him to report another milestone and thank him, he asks if I am still sponsoring. I say “Yes”, and he replies, “Then you are still thanking me!”.

Never in a million years would I have imagined still being alive today let alone happy and useful. I hope I never forget those first days and what it was like. In that way, I continue to have empathy with the newcomer. I try also to remember what a pain in the ass I was and the patience and grace that was shown to me.

So, in the end, I can truly say to that man, “Thank you! I have what you’ve got!”.