Dissociated Thoughts

Grieving

Today is the first day since my grandmother passed away on the 8th that I haven't been kept busy with work. What does that mean? I finally have all the time in the day to dwell on my loss and nothing to keep my mind off it. I loved my grandmother dearly. We watched "I Love Lucy" and countless classic movies together. She is the person responsible for introducing me to Shirley Temple movies and the like. I don't know if I can watch any of those old movies any more without crying. That's what I have been doing in my free time since the 8th, crying. I know this is affecting my mom even more and it pains me that I cannot be there to comfort her. My only balm is that my grandma lived a long, full, happy life. She would have seen her 94th birthday this August, but her mortal coil just couldn't keep going anymore. She fought death off as long as she could but in the end, even this stubborn feisty beauty had to give in. So my heart should be soothed, right? That now she's with the Lord? But is she? Do Atheists go to heaven if they were once Christians or decided to give their lives over to Christ at the very last minute? I don't know. I still feel her around me. I can still hear her sassing everyone. Maybe she isn't really dead in my heart and mind. But it still hurts and the loss is real. Now, it's just one day at a time. One minute at a time. Goodness! I loved that woman!