Gervic in Wonderland

[A-1] Looking Glass House :: Reflections

A. Looking Glass House
Reflections

We just got through a tupsy-turvy 2023. Reflect on lessons learned, and how you will use them in the year 2024. (<1000 words)

2023: A Year of Heartbreak, Healing, and Becoming

The final weeks of 2023 felt like exhaling a long, pent-up breath. This year wasn't just about survival; it was about transformation – the painful, messy, and unexpectedly beautiful kind. Love, won and then tragically lost, shook my sense of self. It forced me to confront neglected parts of my identity and spurred a defiant rediscovery. If I had to distill what I've learned, it would be this:


The Difficult Grace of Letting Go

They don't tell you that real heartbreak transcends the clichés of sad songs and wistful sighs. It's a raw, visceral beast that rips away at your very sense of order. After a relationship I believed was my bedrock came crashing down, I became intimately acquainted with grief's bewildering territory. Denial would suffocate me one day, rage would rip through me the next, all followed by a pervasive sorrow that seemed to infuse every ordinary object with despair.

My biggest mistake early on was the relentless pursuit of 'closure'. I thought if I could dissect the past, pinpoint the exact moment things went wrong, I'd magically feel whole again. Spoiler alert: it doesn't work that way. The turning point wasn't in obsessive analysis, but in learning how to simply be with the pain without letting it consume me entirely. This took practice:

Feel it, then face the day: I started compartmentalizing, allowing myself dedicated 'sad times'. An evening to cry, scream into a pillow, listen to gut-wrenching music... but then I'd commit to getting outside the next day, engaging with projects, and taking care of the basics like showering and eating. It was a lifeline.

The trap of self-blame (and how to escape it): I found myself swinging between extremes - casting myself as the villain of the story, then demonizing my ex in a futile attempt to find 'reasons'. Therapy helped immeasurably here, allowing me to accept that relationships are complex. Bad decisions can be made alongside good intentions, and the ending doesn't erase all the good memories.

Tiny sparks of joy: The world becomes muted when you're heartbroken, like all the color's been drained away. It takes deliberate effort to coax back that sense of wonder. I forced myself to engage with neglected hobbies: dusting off old books, marathoning cheesy sci-fi shows, painting just for the messy joy of it.

This isn't to say I've magically 'moved on'. Some days still hit like a tidal wave. But healing isn't linear, and I'm committed to walking forward even when I stumble back.

Embracing the Unfiltered Me

Heartbreak laid bare a hard truth I'd been avoiding: somewhere along the line I'd sacrificed parts of myself out of fear. Rejection, disapproval, or simply feeling 'too much' or 'too different' had led me to a watered-down existence. 2023, with its shattering blow, sparked a strange sort of rebellion.

Permission to disagree: I defaulted to 'agreeable', smoothing over conflict for the sake of being 'nice'. Now I'm on a sometimes awkward re-education: saying "no" gracefully, stating my opinions even when they might not be popular. It's a terrifying, and exhilarating, shift towards valuing authenticity over external approval.

Letting my inner nerd roam free: I let embarrassment stifle my true passions. 2023 saw a full-on dork-aissance! Suddenly, it's glorious to nerd out over obscure historical trivia, devour fantasy novels with zero shame, and rediscover the joy of learning just for the fun of it.

Imperfections as my superpower: My pursuit of a flawless image was exhausting and doomed to always fail. This year taught me a kind of defiant self-acceptance: tripping over my words is okay, my art projects that look like a kindergartener made them are endearing, and these idiosyncracies are just as much a part of me as my strengths.

Looking Ahead to 2024

The future feels equal parts thrilling and daunting. I'm not immune to the fear of being hurt again, of risking love only to see it crumble. But that fear is outweighed by an unshakeable desire to stop hiding. 2024 will be the year I build connections based on the truest, weirdest version of myself, not some sanitized persona designed to please. 2023, you brought me to my knees with your lessons. Now, 2024, let's see what this newly resilient and unabashedly me man can accomplish.

WORD COUNT:
724 Words

In the manGer(vic), He sleeps
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