My Conversion Story Journal

January 30, 2024

What do you do on your darkest days?

Friday, I rushed home from work to make it home in time to make dinner and prepare the house for Shabbat. As I got out of my car, I smelled something burning. There was little streams of smoke coming out from under my car like something was dripping onto a hot surface and burning away. That meant I couldn't go to shul on Saturday. My daughter D was staying with me for the week and was going to experience her first Shabbat with me, so I ignored my car, rushed into the house, and prepared for Shabbat.

She had no idea what had just happened. Like a child, she watched my every move. She asked questions to make sure she understood what was happening. She listened when I explained to her what I was going to do, why I was going to do it, and what I needed her to do since she was staying the night. It was a wonderful dinner and a wonderful night.

Saturday morning my alarm went off at 5am. I wanted to go back to sleep, but thoughts of my car and what I was going to miss that day kept running through my head. I cried. I cried because of what I was going to miss that day and who I was going to miss. What I say to Hashem every Saturday before I leave shul for the 3 hour drive home ran through my mind. "As long as I am able to come and worship you here and experience this, I will thank you. Thank you Hashem for every moment of this day." I cried again.

My car will get fixed eventually. I know that. It's just a car. My heart didn't ache for my car. My heart ached for the shul to pray in and the people I pray with. It is my favorite part of every week. At the time I normally leave, I looked out into the darkness. I thought about what I'd be seeing as I drove, how I'd be dreading the 3 hour drive but anxious to get there, because there was no where else I'd rather be. By the light of my bedside lamp, I cried. I watched the sun rise out of my bedroom window and I cried.

When I knew that service would have started, I stopped crying. I laid and stared out the window for a little while. "I need to get up and pray," I thought. "I might not be there with them, but I can still pray with them." As I pictured the shul in my mind and pictured myself there with them, I thanked Hashem. "I'm going to thank you anyway, G-d," I said. "Even if you don't let me go this week, thank you for being able to worship you anyway. Thank you for all of the times that I have gotten to go and will get to go in the future."

I got up and got dressed as if I was going to shul. I did my hair as if I was going to shul. Then, I prayed. As I prayed through the morning service, I pictured what was happening during shul and smiled. I could feel the atmosphere of the shul even though I wasn't there. I could see the smiles of the faces of my friends. I focused on the words of the prayers more than I normally did at shul and stopped to say, "That's beautiful, L-rd," or "You are a great G-d."

I ate a little lunch and a wave of sadness came over me. I laid down and I cried and I slept. I got up to tell my daughter D goodbye and give a little love to her husband T. After they left, I cried again and slept some more.

When I awoke, I got up and read Tehillim. I prepared for Havdalah and almost started when my youngest daughter A2 came home. We talked for some time (with me standing in the kitchen in front of my Havdalah things). With raised spirits, I did Havdalah. A2 and I talked some more as I sat in front of my Tehillim. As my daughter went up to her room, I stared out into the darkness and talked with G-d.

I don't know if you ever sit there and talk to G-d, but I do all the time. Weekday mode of "I NEED TO GET THINGS DONE" closed in on me and my sadness turned into motivation. As I talked, I thought about what I could possibly do about my situation that I haven't already done. I felt a nagging that I already knew the answer. After 25 hours of not creating anything (other than red eyes), I knew I had to create something. So I did. I created a few things. Then I set up an Etsy store to sell them. I stayed up until after 2am Sunday morning working on creating and setting up a store.

I started the day with a saddened spirit and ended it with a new business.

I read a post that said that G-d is ready to give blessings. He only needs a vessel prepared to send them down.

I don't know if my store will ever be anything much. I do know that whatever I am going through, the good moments and the tough ones, that G-d is always there with me, and I'm thankful.

It will be a couple of weeks before I make it back to shul. My heart aches at that thought, but my emunah (faith) is still stronger than it ever has been. Whether I'm shouting from the mountain top or crawling in the valley, I will trust you L-rd and thank you and praise you. Because you are good. Always.

My new store
https://jjsimcha.etsy.com