My Conversion Story Journal

January 24, 2024

I remember learning about the month of Elul this past year - 2023. This is the month of repentance and turning back to G-d. It was during that time in 2022 that I felt the presence of G-d close, so I cried out to him. I asked to know him better, to follow him closer, to know his statutes and decrees (and the difference between the two), and to worship him the way he wanted me to. At the time of my calling on G-d, I knew nothing of Elul. I knew nothing of Rosh Hashanah. I only knew that G-d was closer than I had ever felt him before, and I needed him to tell me what to do next to grow my relationship with him because that is all that I wanted.

This week has reminded me repeatedly of that night and the decision it led to. It has also reminded me of what I said no to so I could travel this path. That daily reminder this week has left me frustrated all week. Though I know my decision was correct, and I don't regret starting my conversion instead, I couldn't shake the nagging reminder of what could have been. I was greatly discouraged until today when I heard a message about this week's Torah portion.

This week's Torah portion is Beshalach. It is the part of the Exodus that the Egyptian army was coming after the Hebrews that they had just let leave. The Hebrews were wanting to pray, go back to Egypt, throw themselves into the water to die by drowning rather than the Egyptians, or fight. The Rabbi Who Glows said that there are times that none of these are appropriate. There is a time to just keep going. You don't need to pray about it, because G-d is already fighting the battle for you. Don't look back to Egypt (or your past). Don't fight what is happening. Don't give up. Keep going.

This is another Rabbi (I don't know him) telling the story. https://youtu.be/BOUmnmTsEZQ?si=DYrQiAZsysRACUwG

I need to stop looking back. I need to stop focusing on my Egypt and my troubles and my fears, and instead, keep going and let G-d part my sea. He put me on this path already (I have no doubts about that because this path is not for everyone), so he will provide. I need to keep going and let him. I need to stop looking back. I need to stop focusing on my obstacles and let G-d make a way when I can't.