My Conversion Story Journal

December 16, 2023

Another thing I love about Judaism is the Torah portion of the week. There are books of the Tanach assigned for reading each week and read in the synagogue during Shabbat. This week's Torah portion (Mikeitz) was about Joseph becoming viceroy to Pharaoh and saving his family and the entire country of Egypt from starvation. The part that got me was (Genesis 41:19) Joseph answered Pharaoh, saying, "That is beyond me; it is G-d Who will respond with Pharaoh's welfare." This is a young man who had been left for dead by his brothers, sold into slavery, falsely accused (from which he had to run away naked ), thrown into prison, and left in prison for years. Not only did his faith in G-d not fade, but even after all that he been through, when things were too much for him, he knew that G-d would give the answer.

I stayed home today from shul to have some TAWG time - Time Alone With G-d - uninterrupted by responsibilities and distractions from every day life. Every moment that I wasn't sleeping, I was talking with G-d. I needed some clarity on a situation, and I received that. I needed some time to grieve, and I was given comfort (which resulted in the cutest picture ever of my cat hugging me). I needed encouragement, guidance, and a reminder to be patient.

Psalm 1 kept coming to mind today, so during my Shabbat meal, I opened it up and read it. When I started this journey (well the committed part of it), I asked G-d for a multitude of councilors that could help me "delight in the law of the L-rd." I have not used them as much as I know I should. I have a habit of trying to do everything on my own due to my issues of trusting others. This journey is not a journey I can take alone. It requires the guidance and direction of trusted advisors. Though I have been growing and learning (my Hebrew is improving, my bruchas are memorized, I'm doing more Grace after Meals prayers, etc.), I am not where I could be if I showed my faith and trust in G-d by utilizing the people that he has put in my life to help me.

Every night before I go to sleep, I pray. I always have, but there is a bedtime prayer in the siddur (the bedtime one in the Artscroll is my favorite) that I feel is the written version my heart. The first time I read it, I didn't understand how my heart could be well written on paper by someone else's hand. It is full of thanksgiving, forgiveness, reverence, faith, worship, and trust. I trust G-d. I trust him to take care of me every moment of every day, including when I am sleeping. This amount of trust for G-d is great until I am asked to trust someone that he has put in my life. That is where I am struggling.

It is true that horrific events in my past have caused me to have issues trusting people, but I can't stay there. I read in the book Wisdom to Heal the Earth by Tzvi Freeman (I've mentioned the book before), "As long as you're holding on to where you were yesterday, you are standing still." What does it matter if my Hebrew improves, if I go to shul, if I learn my bruchas, if I eat kosher, or if I convert if I do not grow closer to G-d in the process? That is what this entire conversion is about, worshiping and growing closer to my creator, my G-d. So, I will put into action the trust that I have for Him and let go of what is past. I trust G-d. If he has people that I know he has put in my life, I will trust Him to guide their council. If he trust them to be my teachers and councilors, then I need to let them do their job.

I know you're leading me G-d, and I'm still following.