My Conversion Story Journal

November 5, 2023

Tomorrow, when I return to work, there will be two battery operated candles sitting on a desk. I had to stay late on Friday and candle lighting was literally 9 minutes after I finished working. I went to work prepared to usher in the Shabbat in my classroom. I rushed to the teacher's lounge and put my dinner in the microwave. I went to my classroom and set up a table for my dinner with a small glass of tea and a water bottle. The microwave went off right before I lit the candles (well, turned them on). I said the brucha and an extra prayer for the soldiers and the hostages. I got my food from the microwave, sat in my room, ate and sang "Shalom Aleichem" which welcomes the angles. I had no wine for kiddush. I had no challah. I did not have my siddur to read any blessings or anything else. I did have my Tehillim book (one of my copies) and read some of that. It was a completely unorthodox but still a little bit of something to hold onto for the week and a wonderful time spent with G-d.

I made it to shul on Saturday, just a little later that I normally do. They took the Torah scroll out of the ark only a few minutes after I arrived. I toughed the scroll as my American rabbi carried it around. My heart was full this weekend. Seeing the men in their tallit and hearing them chant the prayers, the children running around between the men's and women's side, the women praying and rushing to touch the Torah scroll, the women meeting to pray together, it is all such an inspiration to me and keeps me going for another week in a spiritually draining world.

There were many who were surprised to see me there, though. I won't sugar coat it. The questions that I received last time I was at the Tehillim prayer service was repeated by almost every woman in attendance. When my response was, "absolutely, no doubt" they would just shake their head or say that didn't know if they would still choose to be.

If I look at it through the lens of history as the Jews always being hated for simply the crime of existing, I can understand the questions. I don't want to be hated. Who does?

When I made my final decision, I did think about that. I thought about what would happen if I was targeted and how it would affect my children. I'm sorry to my children if that does happen. The reason I can't change my mind is greater than the culmination of reasons and events that led me to this decision: greater than the book I wanted to read written in only Hebrew, greater than the kosher diet that I had looked into years ago, greater than the mikvah, greater than the community that I can't wait to be a part of, greater than the people I want to be associated with, greater than the questions that are answered that I carried around with me for years, more than my conversations with Driss years ago, greater than any other reason that I have mentioned previously or will in the future.

The truth is I love G-d. When I made my decision, it was a long conversation between me and G-d. Many years long. I love G-d more than anyone and anything and that love is reciprocated back to me and is greater than anything on this earth. Nothing in this life is as important as the relationship I have with the creator of the universe. G-d knows that I am slow to understand some things, and he made it perfectly clear (quite blunt) that this is the path he wanted me to take. I trust G-d and will follow his will for my life even when I don't understand (quite normal for me) and when it seems that his will doesn't make sense to me at the time. When I pray to G-d and tell him that I have given him my todays and tomorrow, I mean it. I have no doubts and this pull from my soul is not something I can walk away from because G-d is not something that I can walk away from.

I understood the danger before I told my friends and family (the family that I have told). I knew I was going to have to give up my job (which I love) and my home and relocate. I knew my friends (those that I have left) would be far away and that it would be hard. I know with the blatant anti-Semitism happening right now around the world that things are going to get harder. I know the small amount of hate that I've received from friends and family will grow stronger. I also know that I love G-d more than anything and though this has not been easy and will not be easy, I will not stop loving and trusting G-d. Like it says in Tihillim, the L-rd is my Rock and my Redeemer.

תהלים יט
יהיו לרצון אמרי פי והגיון לפניך הי צורי וגאלי

May the expressions of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart find favor before you, Hashem, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Psalms 19:14