Alotta Monkey Business

Circles and Jerks

Look for Circles Day - Tell us some that you've seen where you live

Not where I live, but yesterday while in the greater St. Cloud area we had to maneuver several circles placed at key areas of the highways. Although they are named turn-a-bouts, I prefer to call them circle jerks.

Yes, it's easy to see by my terminology that I don't like the confounded things. I understand they are designed to keep traffic flowing smoothly, and when used as designed, they do. Unfortunately, few people seem to know how to drive, and when they get on a circle jerk, they are in the wrong lane, switching lanes inside the circle, or even coming to a complete stop because they aren't sure which exit to take. There is nothing, well not much, more frustrating than to enter a circle jerk only to have to lay on the brakes for someone who is stopped with the blinker on, looking to see if they can turn!

Yesterday we came to the first circle jerk. Not knowing which road we needed, we had Google Maps directing us and wouldn't you know, the damned thing sent us back the way we had come! I found a place to turn around and tried again, watching for our road. Traffic was heavy so my wife was watching for our exit from the circle, but by the time she told me to turn, it was too late.

No problem, we'll circle around again. Second loop through we approached our exit, but it was blocked by an eighteen-wheeler who did not have room to make the turn. So around we go another time. Again, we did not have the opportunity to turn, but the truck was moving, so one more time.

Three times around and I was feeling a bit dizzy, but the road was clear and I was ready to exit and get the hell off this thing. but right when I started to turn, some jerk (hence the term circle jerk) cut me off and I had to swerve so he could take our exit. I took the next just to get the hell off the circle. I went a half block and pulled into a parking lot to look for another route to get to the clinic.

As it turned out, we were in the rear parking area for the clinic we wanted. Had I made the turn I was directed to take, I would have come to yet another circle jerk that would have aimed us at yet another, which in turn had an exit that led us to the front parking lot. Not only was the road littered with circle jerks but they were designed to take us in a big circle to get back to where we wanted to be in the first place!

Leaving was much easier, I put the Yukon in four-wheel-drive and exited through a mowed hayfield, avoiding the whole conglomeration of circle jerks. As I drove over the curb, I heard someone yelling, "That's not a road, you jerk!"

I fought and won over the desire to circle back around and make it a circle jerk.

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