My Conversion Story Journal

October 25, 2023

There is a board in the back of the men's side of the shul that has names of people who had died and a light is lit during the month that they died as a remembrance to them. During the high holidays, all of the lights were lit. My American Rabbi (who has done an amazing job answering my questions lately) said that there are a few times a year that we remember the souls of those that died.

Another thing I asked my rabbi about today was the Shabbos Queen. During Friday night's women's dinner, when we were lighting candles, the host said we were welcoming in the Shabbos Queen. My American Rabbi sent me a great article that explained why Shabbos is referred to as a bride and as a queen. I will spare you the explanation, because there is no way that I could do it any justice. However, it is answers like I received today from my rabbi that make me love my decision even more and be so thankful to be able to join in on the celebration of G-d in every tiny little aspect of every part of everything in life. Terribly written, I know. But I also know that people who already have this heritage understand and love that about themselves and their faith.

The adorable rabbi (I really need a better description) gave a halacha class. From an outsider perspective, I can see why some people would say that it is petty and legalistic, like not being able to open a bag because it separates the two parts but being able to punch a hole in the middle of it because nothing is separated then, but so much of what is said makes sense. Like the prohibition of creating or destroying words on Shabbat includes writing on cakes, alphabet soup, alphabet cereal, etc. I thought it made perfect sense since words hold so much meaning. One letter holds so much meaning. Eating alphabet cereal is nothing but destroying letters, therefore, don't do it on Shabbos.

With all the adversity I've faced and will continue to face in the future, why do I want to still convert? I can tell you exactly why.

Because the moment I am conscious in the morning, I say a prayer. Before I go to the bathroom, I am doing a service to Hashem and saying another prayer. Getting ready for work is full of thoughts of how I am either pleasing or not pleasing Hashem. Morning blessings and prayers fill my soul and make me ready to face the world outside of my cozy hideaway. When I get in my car, I am conscious of how far I drive because there is another prayer. The music I play on my trip is praise to Hashem. The words I speak and the thoughts I think and the actions I take are all centered around Hashem. The food I eat is preceded with a blessing and followed up with another blessing and prayer. The work I do is done with thoughts of Hashem. The words I say and said with thoughts of pleasing Hashem. The food I eat, what I cook, how I cook, how I even think about food is focused on Hashem. G-d permeates every aspect of every part of the day, every thought, every action, every purpose. He is the reason for being and doing. There is nothing in life that doesn't have purpose and that purpose is Hashem. Ein od milvado - there is nothing but Hashem.

This is why I want to convert more today than yesterday and the day before that. G-d is why. There is nothing greater on this earth than to live for G-d.