Complex Numbers

I Am The Law

I didn't fact-check any of these. It's just something fun from Cracked.

    5 Laws Designed to Screw Over One Guy in Particular  

One person does something bad, and so we pass a new law, to forbid anyone else from trying that same thing. That may not be the most thoughtful path toward creating a legal code, but it’s a routine way of doing things.

Which is how you end up with laws like "No baton twirling within 20 feet of park benches." Introduced at the last city council meeting by an elected official with a bandaged head.

Sometimes, though, when we pass a reactive law, we’re not worried about that crime becoming a trend. We just want to keep our thumb on that one guy.

As far as claims to fame go, you could do worse than "inspiration for a law."

5. Ohio’s Urine Collection Law

Part of their pee-nal code.

In 2008, a 56-year-old man named Alan David Patton was caught collecting urine from a bathroom in a park in Dublin, Ohio.

Okay, ew.

Authorities charged him with criminal mischief. This broad and ill-defined law landed him a maximum of 60 days in jail, which really didn’t seem enough for this weird freak. So, they came up with a new law. Ohio now made it illegal for anyone for to collect “bodily substances without consent and for non-medical purposes.” The new penalty for this new crime? Six months in prison.

Urine trouble now.

4. The Right to Detain Greg

Australian man Greg Kable stabbed his wife to death in 1989. Not cool, Greg.

In case it's not clear, wife-stabbing was already illegal in Oz.

The sitting Parliament passed a new order called the Community Protection Act. If a prisoner due for release was deemed a danger to the public, said the order, they would keep him in prison until they were satisfied he wasn’t... Fortunately for all future prisoners, New South Wales amended the act to limit its scope. Now, it would only apply to Greg Kable, specifically.

"Whataya in for, mate?" "Being Greg Kable."

3. Banning One Kid from Talking About Grass

This one's way more interesting than just that bit.

Sometimes, this made sense. For example, a 26-year-old was brought up for repeatedly playing “Do They Know It’s Christmas” to annoy his neighbors, an offense that ought lead to life in prison.

Nah. 20 years, max. Life sentences should be reserved for "Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime."

An ASBO from 2003 forbade an 87-year-old man from being sarcastic to his neighbors.

I'd be boned.

2. An Anti-Armstrong Law

The burgh of Langholm in Scotland has a law on the books that says any Armstrong who enters the town must be hanged.

Maybe we should arrange a bicycle race through there.

The Armstrong was Johnnie Armstrong, who lived in the 16th century. The English remember him as a criminal due to his habit of raiding England, while the Scottish remember him as a folk hero, due to his habit of raiding England.

That quote by itself was why I had to blog about this article. Bonus, though:

We’d probably never know about this old law. Except, in 1972, Langholm received a famous visitor: astronaut Neil Armstrong.

"We must obey the law. Quickly, now, hang... a portrait of Neil Armstrong in the museum!"

1. The Man Who Worked His Butt Off

This one's a stretch (pun absolutely intended). It's not really a "law."

As of 2016, Britain’s National Health Service had a certification for something called a “rectal teaching assistant.” This was someone employed by the government to visit medical schools, so doctors in training could learn how to conduct prostate exams by practicing on his well-documented body.

And I have no doubt he was the butt of many jokes. Rectum? Damn near killed 'im.

And with that, I'm done. If I were more ambitious, I'd double-check all these, but more importantly, I'd try to find examples from outside the English-speaking hegemony. I'd bet Germany has some fun ones, for example.