My Conversion Story Journal

September 12, 2023

You know when you have so much to say that you don't know where to begin and what all to include? I had so much happen over the weekend that I couldn't write it down. I had to organize my thoughts.

Friday I missed candle lighting. I didn't make it to my daughter's (A1) down state until after dark. She wasn't there to light the candles. I was sad that they weren't shining. There is a special feeling that I can only describe as a kindling of part of the soul that doesn't shine when they're not lit. I will get to see them lit this weekend, but more of that later.

Saturday my daughter, A2, woke early and dressed to attend shul with me. I was excited to take her because I knew she would enjoy it. We left on time to make it at the perfect time. Unfortunately, I did not say the Wayfarer's Prayer before I left and things did not go well. There was a long traffic jam in a construction zone. My car was about to overheat so I had to pull onto the very tiny shoulder of the road and let it cool down. I babied to a safe pull off spot and finished letting it cool down. It took over a half hour. We were very late for shul. I was sad because she missed a lot.

We arrived during the reading of the Torah. The lady who has talked me every week came and made sure we knew what page we were supposed to be on. I looked at other people's books to find out where we were exactly. I knew the portion so knew where to start looking, but it was helpful to find out what verse in that portion we were on. She asked a lot of questions during the service. She seemed overwhelmed by the amount of things happening, though she didn't say that was so.

During the kiddush luncheon, she was able to meet a lot of people including my American Rabbi and the Rabbi who glows. After meeting them she understood my descriptions. She was able to see men dancing in a circle singing (due to celebrating a wedding that had occurred earlier that week) and a man get lifted in a chair. She smiled a lot.

When we left, she said, "It looked like they were having fun, and I enjoyed watching them." That was it. Quite a flat and disappointing answer.

During the kiddush luncheon, I met a lot of new people when one heard that I was only coming on Saturday and driving in my normal 2 and a half hour drive and that this would be my first Rosh Hashanah. Word actually spread quickly, and I was offered multiple places to go so I could attend all of Rosh Hashanah. I am now spending the night at a stranger's house Friday night to experience my first Erev Rosh Hashanah with a Jewish family. I actually get to witness in person another woman lighting the candles for her family and welcoming in the Shabbat! I am excited to experience it for the first time, and they will get this counted as a mitzvah. Win, win! I'm nervous about spending the night though.

I will then attend the first day of services and spend dinner at either the Rabbi's house, or if they forgot, I another stranger's house. I feel so blessed to be a part of this community. I love the people that I have met and finally feel like I'm where I belong. Every weekend it gets easier to think about letting go of my current life and living one as an observant member of that community.

So my Hebrew teacher, GZ, helped me a lot this week to prepare of Rosh Hashanah this weekend. He went over the Parsha with me in Hebrew and explained it to me. I'm hoping that I won't get as lost because of his help. He then explained what Rosh Hashanah means. We have already gone over the fact that rosh means head, but I didn't piece it into the name of the holiday until he explained it to me. Rosh means head, the ha when put at the beginning of a word means the, and shanah means year, so Rosh Hashanah means head of the year.

I also have a friend, L, who is giving me a lot of advice and helping me understand the different aspects of the services, traditions, and prayers. It's nice to have so many people help me understand.

I'm excited (and nervous) about this important holiday that I get to experience for the first time in my life. I'm grateful that I get to experience it with others. Thank you Hashem.