My Conversion Story Journal

September 4, 2023

As I have shared my decision to convert to Judaism with friends, family, and others, I have been told a lot of things. I have been told that I have been lied to. That I am being misled. That I am going to Hell. That I am denying Jesus so he is going to deny me in Heaven. That I am running from Christianity towards legalism.

However, I just think about days like this weekend and what others say doesn't matter. When my daughter lit the Shabbat candles in her home because I was still driving and had not arrived. They were lit when I arrived. Her sister asked if she had to use fake candles and she said, "No," but that she did it for me (I love them shining all of Shabbat). My heart was full. The love and kindness that my girls showed me would warm the heart of any parent. They also enjoyed playing dress up with me as I tried on different outfits for Shabbat (why is in an earlier entry). They even picked out my shoes! I am very blessed.

I arrived early for Shabbat. Arriving early is harder than arriving late because so much is going on that it hard to tell when service actually starts. I was able to figure it out and was able to follow along with the Hebrew reading much easier than previous weeks. Unfortunately, I am a slow reader and even the Chazzan's singing of the text is faster than I can read. I also cannot do the responses in the necessary allotted time like others can. There was one woman who read so quickly during our time to read a response aloud that I couldn't focus on my own text, not that I would have been able to finish before the Chazzan continued.

My Hebrew has greatly improved though. I can read the Hebrew, and when I get behind, I can find where the Chazzan is at by reading the text in Hebrew (what the Chazzan is speaking) and catch back up. I could not do this a couple of weeks ago. My Hebrew seems to be getting better a noticeable amount every week. I however, do need to work on my verb conjugations which I have not done. I have been spending a lot of time reading silently and aloud in Hebrew and using a vocabulary list to find words in a paragraph, but not enough time on the conjugations I need to do.

The High Holidays start in a couple of week beginning with Rosh Hashanah. Booking a seat in shul is required during the High Holidays because those who don't attend regularly attend during that time. During kiddush lunch, the main Rabbi's wife (I call him The Adorable Rabbi) asked me to sit by her and we talked a lot. It is always very loud in there (because everyone is so social), but even though I had to ask her to repeat herself a few times, we talked for a long time. We talked so long that the people I normally have talked to since attending, I didn't even get to say hello to. We just waved across the room.

She then invited me to lunch after shul on Rosh Hashanah. It is an extra long service and there is no kiddush afterwards. I don't normally eat very much during the kiddush luncheon because of my long drive home. I don't want to have to use the bathroom and not be near one. She told me to bring my appetite. I guarantee at that time, I won't have a choice but to eat. I will be hungry. I will have to worry about what that will mean for my drive home and plan on using gas station bathrooms. Not happy about that thought, but it was nice being invited.

Since that invitation is two weeks away, I can't help but wonder if she will forget that she invited me. A long list of "what ifs" go through my mind that I try to brush aside, but it is hard. Remember that I am new to this community and I don't know these people beyond class online and a few hours of lunch chat. I am not only converting to a new religion, I am entering a community full of its own rituals and behaviors, and I am just trying to fit in and belong.

As I look forward to the upcoming holidays, school is starting tomorrow. My ability to balance everything is going to be challenged since I have done nothing this month except think about Judaism. As the craziness of my schedule starts, I have one thing to look forward to this Saturday. My youngest daughter, A2, is joining me for shul.

Have a wonderful week everyone!