My Conversion Story Journal

August 31, 2023

I have to admit that I am struggling with a couple of things and I need to correct my thinking and my feelings.

With school starting and PD's, setting up my classroom, open house, preparing lesson plans, and preparing for crochet club, and setting dates for volunteering for sports boosters, I am missing classes with Chabad Academy. Though they are posted online, I miss attending the class. When I am attending in person, my mind is overwhelmed with all that I need to do but am not doing at that moment. I need to find a way to adjust my thinking to keep learning and attending my evening classes and watch day time classes on YouTube. G-d knows that I am doing this conversion while still having a full time job and community commitments. If G-d knows this and wants me to this conversion (which I know he does), then I should trust that I can balance these things and miss out on some things I want and enjoy (live classes) to fulfill my other commitments that I also love (teaching, tutoring, and volunteering).

My second problem that I am working through emotionally is my job itself. I love my job. I love where I work and who I work with and the students in my school and the community that I serve. I have great relationships with many students and parents and they are excited to have me again this year. I love my schedule this year and am extremely excited to teach every class. I love tutoring after school and seeing the faces of students when they understand a concept that they were struggling with. I'm excited to continue being class advisor and work with the class of 2028 on class activities and fundraisers. I am happy to mentor to a teacher that is hired in full time (subbed all last year) and is taking over the classes that I taught the past two years. I love Crochet Club and being a part of a club that in only 4 hours a week can be a safe place for students to be themselves, decompress, for new friendships, create things for themselves, learn new things, and create things together that they give back to the community. I'm also excited about being department chair because that automatically puts me on the school improvement team. I'm one of those weird people who enjoy giving ideas for improving things in the building and the district.

With all that I am doing at work and taking on new roles, I feel guilty knowing that I intend to leave at the end of this year, because I don't see how I can move to a Jewish community and continue working where I currently work. I know I shouldn't feel this guilt, because I know I am doing the right thing in moving. I also know that I am where I am supposed to be for this year, and that means I am supposed to give my all and do my best to serve my community and G-d. My feelings are so mixed. I am excited to move to the community with people that I am building a bond with to learn and grow closer to G-d, but I am heartbroken at who I am leaving behind to do this.

Another thing I am struggling with sorting out is relationships with friends and coworkers. I am still working to rebuild a relationship with the friend that was angry and said hurtful things last school year when she found out that I am converting. We have been doing well over the past few days. I was hoping time apart for the summer would help her settle her feelings towards me. It seems to have helped. We carpool some days and that means her exposure to my choice of music is constant. My decision to convert is in our conversations because it is my activities throughout the week, it is in my talking about my classes and Hebrew lessons (and we follow each other on Duolingo so it's there too!), and it is in my playlist that I play when I drive. I love her. She is my friend and I want our relationship to be a good one. I know it will not be what it was before, nothing is what it was before, but it can still exist and thrive and grow. I really want that.

One last thing I need to work through is how some of my coworkers see me now. I worked with a couple ladies during summer school and one was asking questions about my food choice during our PD lunch. I told what I was going to eat and why. She was asking questions (she knows about my conversion) and another teacher overheard our conversation. He rolled his eyes and shook his head. As she was being both curious and making fun, he was being judgmental. It was awkward. Am I now the butt of other people's jokes? Have I always been? Should I even let it get to me since its not going to chance my decision or influence it in any way?

I knew life would change when I made this choice. I knew my relationships would change when I made this choice. I also knew that I would grow as person when I made this choice. All I can say is, "Hashem, my rock and keeper of my heart, may all that I say and do this week bring you glory."