My Conversion Story Journal

August 18, 2023

I remember the last time I went to church before I made my final decision to convert to Judaism. I attended a Christmas program at a local baptist church. I knew a few people there. I asked before I sat down if I was taking anyone's spot (no one was sitting there) and the couple said that the people who normally sit there were out of town, so it was okay that I sat there that day. The older lady in front of me talked with me and the people behind me. She said it would be nice if I continued to come and then she could adopt me.

I grew up not wanting to be like my parents or anyone in my family. I asked a councilor how I could break some of the bad cycles that were present in my family and be different, a better person. She said to find something you like about someone else and do the same thing. Since then, I have always looked for the good in people and tried to emulate that.

When the lady (who was really sweet and wonderful and would have made an amazing grandmother) said that, I immediately thought about who I wanted to be. About who I truly am. Did I want to be adopted by a Baptist and continue down the road I already struggled with? Would the things i learned from her really change me into a better person or the person I want to become? I never went back to that church or any church after that. I began my time in limbo. The same limbo that I feel I am currently in. Not a Christian, but not a Jew. I am nothing, and I'm okay with that for today.

Tomorrow I will attend my first shul. I, of course, am very nervous at being stared at as the new person by a bunch of strangers and being treated and seen as out of place. I am carefully going through my clothes to see what I can wear to draw the least amount of attention to myself and worrying that it doesn't matter what I wear. I will stick out like a sore thumb. No patterns but not all black. Try to add some color, but not too bright of colors. Try to dress in layers in case your nerves make you cold, but not too heavy so you become too hot (it is August). All the time I am packing, I'm worrying. Do I look too Baptist?

So I am finishing packing to go to my daughters so I can be only an hour away from shul instead of two and a half. I feel like a hypocrite for driving on a Saturday since I have stopped driving on Saturdays. I need this though. I know I do. I know I can't move for another year so this is the only way I can do this right now.

My life is already not the same as the day I walked out of that Baptist church and never looked back. I am not the same, and I never want to go back. I will continue to become who I want to be. A Jew.