My Conversion Story Journal

August 12, 2023

I'm going home tomorrow. There is a fine line between doing what is right and honoring your parents. There are certain things I could not do because I could not expect my dad to understand and do everything that I do on Shabbat. So, he turned off the candles (which I purchased just for here) and turned off lights, and asked me to use the microwave. Of course I was sad that the candles were off because of what it means to me, but I can't expect him to feel the same. Just like my children who visit, I need to introduce my beliefs little by little knowing they will never mean the same to him as they do to me.

Being here is like looking at the present through a stranger's point of view. I understand the lifestyle, but I don't live in that world and after some time, I miss my family. I have always felt like I didn't belong, but now I know without a doubt that I don't belong here. I miss feeling the presence of God in my home. I miss his closeness. I miss the magic of Shabbat. I did not have that magic today.

I love my dad and how he has changed his life. I love that he enjoyed me being here with him and enjoyed taking care of him this past week. However, I am happy to be returning to the life I have been living for these past 6 months, to learn more and put it into practice right away without judgement and argument and misunderstanding.

I still plan on meeting my Rabbi on Tuesday and figuring out where I will be staying when I get to travel there to attend shul. I'm looking forward to time to study my Hebrew without interruption.

Before I came, I already knew that I couldn't go back to my old beliefs. I know now that I don't want to. I was worried about how I would integrate with my family during and after my conversion. I understand a bit more now. I will never change my desire to become a Jew and when I do, I will never wish I hadn't. I understand the difference between Judaism and Christianity on a different level now. I know I will be able to navigate family interactions and be constantly exposed to the name of Jesus and not waver or feel ashamed for my decision. I am happy to have a deep and meaningful relationship with The Creator of the Universe, and though I know my family will never understand that relationship, it is what drives me forward and influences everything I do.

Thank you Hashem for helping me let go of the past and yearn for you and the future you have for me. Where you are leading, I am following.