Meth: a Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral

The Chicken or the Egg?

Since Mom died, I have noticed a change in the level of my anger. After my marriage ended, I thought if I did a domestic violence course, it would improve my chances of reconciling with my then-wife. Unfortunately, my plans for another chance were not to be, but, I did learn a lot from that course. Things such as WHAT domestic violence actually is and how, at times, my actions were so not Ok.

However, the biggest lesson I took away from those sixteen weeks was to control my anger. I was classic passive/aggressive. Bottling things up, and then, when I could take no more, exploding into a rage that frightened everyone around me...even myself. This was especially true when I felt like I was being provoked. But in my post-DV enlightened bliss, I learned instead how to negotiate...to be assertive. This had some immediate effects. In the past, I have said there are positives and negatives attached to every situation, and that they tend to follow each other around.

There are times when compromise simply does not work and at that point, we need to make a call...fight or flight. Confrontation can be a frightening thing, especially when the other person or persons are in a dominant position.

Relationships are often like this (think of the Seinfeld episode about who has the upper hand) and it is very hard to judge a person for not taking the upper hand for reasons such as shielding the children from abuse or just being scared for their life.

In my own case, becoming assertive was like wielding a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I gained by not blowing my top and TRYING to compromise in every situation life presented to me. However, this need to bring things to a head, so some kind of resolution could be found, made more and more people pull away from me. I began to notice friends who used to call, disappear into Excuseland. Even my family seemed to want less and less to do with me.

This all coincided with me becoming a carer and that is where things become hazy. I had less time for my friends, and my family (who were quite happy for me to take on all of the responsibility of caring for our mother), subsequently appeared less and hardly ever called. And even when they did call in or by phone, it was ALWAYS to check on Mom. I am being totally honest when I say that in the ten years I was caring for Mom, not once did anyone from my family ask ME how I was doing...if I was Ok.

This lead us all down a path, and much like a snowball, where as time went by the issue became larger as it rolled along, their reluctance to ask (just in case the answer wasn't to their liking) if there was anything they could do to help, became a very sore point for both Mom and myself. We became pariahs of sorts...to the point where it broke us (our family).

When someone becomes assertive and controls their angry outbursts, that doesn't mean they don't get angry. The trouble for me was where does all this anger go when there isn't an outlet? I can attribute some of my best weight sessions to my family and friends leaving me without a word. And my children, who left me when they were twelve and who I haven't seen since, has also caused my frustration and anger to grow.

No one knows this (perhaps one friend might have suspected), but at one point about two years after my children decided I was no longer needed in their lives (redundant), together with the loss of most of my friends and zero support from family to help look after Mom, I considered suicide as an option. I wanted to try and hurt them all by making them feel guilty for abandoning me and causing me to take my own life.

The fact that I knew how much this would hurt my Mom and what would become of her if I did, took that choice away, and this in itself worsened the issue for me. I couldn't even take my own life because of the responsibilities I had taken on. I knew if I wasn't around, not only would it destroy Mom, but she would end up in care. No one else in my family was going to put their lives on hold to take care of her, and I was her only hope of remaining where she wanted to be...at home.

This was when my drug use spiralled out of control. All of the negative emotions I HAD to bottle up for Mom's sake (because I couldn't let her know how much caring for her was affecting me), and the fact that I had only one online friend I could talk to and rely on to not judge me (although I didn't want to cause her concern or worse, make her leave too), meant I kept these dark thoughts to myself.

Since Mom is no longer around, I don't have to hide these negative emotions as much. I now feel all that pent-up anger and resentment bubbling up to the surface. I find I am losing my temper more often than before because now that I don't HAVE to bottle it up, I don't care as much about the outcomes.

My Mom was my rock. I could talk to her about most things and she always knew what to say...even if that was nothing at all. And now she is gone, I have no one in my real life, other than Katie, my counsellor, to express these feelings too.

I was mowing my yard today. This has always been a time when I think about things.

Was it my actions of being so confrontational that caused everyone to leave? Or was it their leaving me that caused me to become so confrontational and in time, angry at them all?

What came first...the chicken or the egg?