Meth: a Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral

A Most Selfless Act

Mom did one last thing for me before she let go. Three days is a long time to watch someone suffer and even though she had a cocktail of drugs to help relieve her suffering, the same cannot be said for me. I have two half-brothers and two half-sisters. They have all been too busy over the last ten years to bother too much about us. And just because two of them live too far away to have offered much assistance in the flesh, a phone call every now and then would have at least been something. I guess they thought I was doing a good job and I didn't need any help...LOL.

Not much changed as Mom lay dying, and only I and one of my half-sisters spent time with her towards the end. She and her husband spent a couple of hours with her, so I could go home, shower, eat, brush my teeth and return. At least it was something. But still, on that last night Mom was alive, I began to fall apart.

On the evening she died, I turned off the lights to try and get some rest in her recliner chair. Mom was rattling constantly by then and I knew it wouldn't be long...but I was at the end of my tether. Some staff came in, turned on all the lights, changed her sheets and whatever else they did, and left. They didn't, however, turn the lights off. So, I got up, shut down the lights and lay back down. Ten minutes later her night nurse came in, did her thing, and left...without turning the lights off. The nurse did ask me if I wanted a coffee, but all I asked for was a pillow. Half an hour later, three carers came back to check on her but they didn't have a pillow for me. They left, and you guessed it, they left the lights on.

It was just me and Mom again, as usual, and I became distraught. I couldn't take anymore and screamed out in frustration. It was then I noticed how quiet it was. I got up and went to check on her and immediately knew she was gone. This was only a minute after the carers had left and they swore she was alive when they left.

It bothers me that the last thing my Mom heard was me losing it, but I believe that was the thing that made her let go. She didn't want me to suffer anymore. That's typical of her...selfless and kind. She gave up her fight so that I could go home and get some sleep.

I felt awful at the time like I had let her down. But I had spent almost three days holding her hand and talking to her. I know in my heart I did everything I could to make sure she had someone with her throughout it all.

Today, I signed off on her cremation, and tomorrow (Monday), I will begin the process of probate and winding up her estate. I have a lot to do before I leave for Thailand to scout out possible places to settle down. I'm thinking up in the foothills of an island off Phuket. Somewhere above the elevation malaria mosquitoes will be a problem. A short bike ride to a secluded beach where hopefully, all I will hear is waves breaking on the sand, bird calls and the wind blowing through the trees. This place I live in now is never quiet. Sirens, planes, trucks and cars...arguing neighbours and their barking dogs is an almost constant noise that is not conducive to a peaceful life.

The quiet will take some getting used to, I'm sure, but I'm also sure that I will. And if things go as I hope, that is where I will spend the rest of my life...writing and simply being. Hopefully, I won't have to do it alone, although, I am prepared if that's what is meant to be.