Meth: a Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral

Damn Hormones

Hormones...who'd have them?

Because it's possible that some of the readers of my blog are...shall we say, more curious than interested in my recovery (if that sounds harsh, then please, you are most welcome to engage and retort), then I suppose I had better give those people what they want...although what exactly that is, I am still trying to figure out.

So, bear with me and I'll keep on probing until I either hear an "Ahhhhhhhh," (imagine me hitting the right spot), or an "AHHHHHHH!" (if the spot I hope is pleasurable turns out to be a nerve).

As I mentioned in the blog post, 'A Worthwhile Plan...Part I (06/15/23...see below if you didn't happen to catch it, or just read on or whatever, because I have no control over you and your decisions and never want to) meth makes me either super horney or not very horney at all, depending on timing, dosage, quality of product and how long it has been since I last had an orgasm.

Hello...are you still with me?

Anyway...

Now that my emotions, mental state and hormones are levelling out, things inevitability change. Some of these changes include the desire for company, companionship, and thoughts of what it would be like to get back into a relationship. Let's call them fanciful or simply fantasies.

I could tell you that I have other priorities or other pieces of crap that amount to a denial of the facts, but I won't. What I will tell you is that these thoughts are becoming a nuisance and getting in my way. I have a lot to do and simply don't have the time, or the courage (or what the cynic who lives inside of me would call intelligence) to follow through with the actions that might turn my fantasies into a reality.

Now you would be forgiven for thinking that I am a typical male and all I can think about is sex. Which is impossible for me to deny, since it's true. But, in my humble experience and opinion, in general, men like me who may have been through a difficult breakup or a bad divorce (is there such a thing as a good divorce?); men who have served their time by way of sexual abstinence or celibacy...call it what you will, for any and all of the reasons a man might do this, deserve more than misattribution, or worse still, pity.

Some of my trepidations are as follows...a fear of contracting an STD. Fear of having the conversation that will be necessary BEFORE I would contemplate most forms of sexual activity (even though I know exactly HOW that conversation should go...but knowing doesn't change the fact that this is seriously scary stuff to discuss with a person it is likely I will not know well). Fear of falling in love again...and of being hurt again. Fear that I may not be the same man I was before any of this took place, physiologically. And all of the fear that will invariably go with that.

So much fear that I'm afraid of potentially meeting someone in this regard.

All of this, and yet, I cannot deny this hormonal/emotional urge to find a mate.

I miss the act of having sex, that is so very true. I have always loved sex and in my almost 59 years, have had very few one-night stands because I want...no, I NEED more than that, especially now. And whoever that lucky gal might be (if there is one lucky gal for me) deserves that just as much as I do.

A prude? Not even close.

A freak? Quite possibly, depending on who I am with and what she likes to do (I do, however, know when to draw the line...when things are no longer fun.

A normal man who just wants someone who wants me in the same way...absolutely.

What do I miss the most?

Long walks along the beach at sunset? Maybe, but my dodgy knee isn't going to like that at all.

Companionship? Certainly, but I have managed to get by for the last eight years on my own, so it isn't the number one point of loss.

Kissing...(imagine bells and whistles). Yes, folks, that is what I miss the most...just kissing someone I could fall in love with and care about for the rest of my days.

A hopeless romantic trapped in the mind of a scared little boy and the body of a middle-aged man? I don't like the sound of that at all.

I almost feel guilty for these feelings that are, by and large, almost impossible to escape. My Mom is close to death and I should not be thinking about anything but her.

Damn, these hormones. Damn, this addiction. Damn, my weaknesses. But, damn, I so want to feel love and know the tenderness of a woman again.

Damn, I am really going to miss my Mom when she is gone...but, damn, I am so looking forward to the rest of my life...and if it is meant to be, that first kiss.

One word describes this track for me...Gorgeous and EXACTLY how I feel. https://youtu.be/H6Sp0u7exPA