Meth: a Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral

Until I Can Go No Further

I visited my Mom tonight. I see her almost every day despite having a phobia of the places we place our old and those nearing death.

My Mom fits both of those categories..cardiomyopathy, or a failing heart. She is slowly suffocating and coming to the end of her life. The drugs they administer have a dual effect...like everything in life (and apparently in death). The positive is she won't remember much of her suffering and the negative is she won't remember much of anything as the end draws ever closer. Benzodiazapams, Morphine and antipsychotics will ease the pain, but tonight, because it is so hard for those held responsible for administering the correct dosages, she had a bit too much and was feeling nauseous, so more drugs made her feel a little better.

To say this is hard to watch is an understatement. Her words slur and her eyes open and close slowly, as you would expect from someone so heavily under the influence. At least at this stage, she still knows who I am, but I know this won't last as she slips further into the drug-induced haze needed to make her comfortable...as comfortable as one can be whilst trying to take in the air her body needs to survive.

If she wasn't a human being, it would already be over and she would now be resting peacefully, instead of the fear she has every night as she goes to sleep.

Tonight, we cried silently together. I told her how much I love her and what she means to me. We both wish we didn't have to say goodbye, but I told her that God needs her now more than I do and that she can watch down on me and see me...a happy man as my life continues without her.

I don't want to lose her, and knowing that soon she will be gone is something I struggle with every day. Normally when I am struggling emotionally, I turn to meth to help me get through. But not this time. I know that meth would make coping with what is coming so much harder...and things will soon get much worse.

I promised her I will hold her hand until I can go no further, and that is what I intend to do. She deserves that and I won't let her down or die alone among strangers. And as hard as that will be, that is my word.