Meth: a Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral

Appreciating the Bitter Taste of Failure

My recovery, as usual, is going strong. There will come a time when the honeymoon will be over...when I will just be normal old, Neil, and not the determined person I am today.

A month (a little more than a month I think, although the only day I can afford to count at the moment is today) after meth stopped entering my body and mind, is the absolute best time during recovery. I'm back out on the road on my bicycle (a no-expense-spared piece of road bike beauty and engineering) and today, I returned to my home gym to dust off the cobwebs (literally, emotionally, psychologically and physiologically). Enthusiasm sprouting from every atom in my body and exhilaration that sees me smiling at anyone who bothers to look in my direction...I'm smiling at you right now.

It's a well-worn path I travel before the inevitable relapse happens...time and time again. That might sound defeatist or even negative in approach, but I have to be real here because if I try to kid you along with promises of success, who am I really kidding but myself. If you have read any of Blog 1.0, you would have read the same words back then, and I would forgive you if you think this is just the same old song I sing.

I read a quote today by Steffi Graff (who is married to Andre Agassi, who at one time, was addicted to meth). Her father would tell her that you cannot know the sweetness of success until first tasting the bitterness of failure...or words to that effect. I know that bitterness well, but when I eventually do taste real success, which equates to at least two years of abstinence from using meth (along with the understanding that I can never let my guard down), will be the sweetest moment in my life.

I won't be celebrating that day because, to me, this is not something that should be celebrated; only acknowledged and put where it belongs...one more day without drugs in my life. I can't look that far ahead right now for obvious reasons. That's just a dream and I am here giving my dream another crack...that's all I can do.

If I could freeze time (on an emotional level to do with my decision to cease using drugs), I would stop everything today. I've said it before...this feeling I have right now is better than any drug I've ever taken. Meth somewhat stifles creativity and once the drug has finally evaporated from my mind, it is quickly replaced by a flood of ideas that is almost overwhelming...especially when I am out there on the road pedalling my bike. For some reason, probably to do with focus and clarity of thoughts, ideas come faster than I can ever hope to absorb, and it's a race to get back home so I can jot down something to remind me...key words, otherwise, they will disappear in the creative tsunami that follows. If I am quick and get lucky, something will come of them, but if not, it isn't that important in the scheme of things.

I love to write, but I need to focus on this huge task ahead because once this honeymoon phase ends, it's just me vs the meth...the ultimate battle between good and evil. Will I win? Nobody can answer that question. But what I can tell you is that I will give it my all and hope that win will be mine.

I have a lot to live for and a plan that requires me to be sober. And unless I can finally shake this monkey off my back, all the good I am hoping to achieve will fall into the depths of my addiction. That to me would be the hardest thing to face up to. To not save one child from a life of abuse and misery because I was so selfish, stupid and thoughtless, would be the ultimate failure, and in many ways, these children I am hoping to save, will in effect, be my saviours. This is something I will try to keep in mind when addiction next comes knocking on my door.