My Blog/Journal

When Memories Come Crashing Back

My heart broke while reading the stories people wrote on the "Depression, Anxiety and More" forum. So I wanted to share another experience I had in the hopes that it might help some.

There were quite a few things that happened to me when I was little that I didn't remember, until I was in my 30's. And then, when I did remember, it added to the things that happen to me while in the Air Force, I tried to play it off like it wasn't a big deal.

In 1991, I was taking a communications class in college and we were discussing how to deal with anger. That's when it all came crashing back and I started to crying. My professor became concerned and ask me to step out of the classroom with her. She asked me what was wrong and I told her everything that I had just remembered. She gave me a big hug and told me that I was safe now and that I could talk to her about it anytime I needed to. She also told me that I needed to tell my therapist everything I had told her. She helped me a lot and I love her for it.

When I told my therapist what I remembered, I said "It's no big deal, right?" He said "Well, if you think that being molested nine times and raped twice isn't a big deal, then maybe it's not. But to me it is a very big deal". It really surprised me when he said that and I started crying, again. He asked me if I would be willing to come see him once a week for awhile. So I did for few months. Then it was every two week and then once a month until he felt that I no longer need to come to him.

During one of my sessions he said he wanted to try going through a couple of scenarios with me. He had me close my eyes and relax. Then he said "Ok, first scenario: "Picture yourself waking down the street in a really nice, safe neighborhood. As you're walking you see a little girl sitting on the grass a little ways off. As you finally get close to her, you see that she's crying. You sit down next to her and ask her what's wrong. She tries to tell you, but she's crying so hard she can't get the words out. You pick her up and put her on you lap and while hugging her and wiping away her tears, you gently tell her that everything will be all right. You stay with her until she stops crying and is ready to on with her day."

"That's the end of the first scenario. How did that make you feel?" "That's sounds exactly like something I would do." "That's what I expected you to say." he said. "Ok, second scenario. Ready? Close your eyes and relax."

" You're walking down the same street, in the same neighborhood and see the same little girl. Only this time when you get close to her you slap her in the face and push her over and yell 'Stop crying you little brat!'

My eyes popped open and I angrily said "I would never do that!!" I was so upset that he would even suggest that!

He looked at me and gently said, "Sandy you do that to yourself everyday. Every time you say that what happened to you as your fault, you're punishing the little girl that's still inside you and the adult she has become. You need to stop doing that."

"How?", I asked, fighting back tears.

By letting yourself believe me when I tell you that none of was your fault. NONE OF IT What those people did to you is on them, not you. That's how you begin to forgive yourself and them. It may take a little while, but I know you can do it, and then you'll be able to heal the hurt."

He was right. It did take awhile and I was able to get rid of most of the hurt and anger. I still have triggers, but not as often as I used to. I will be grateful for his help.