Porthole

Sixth week of the year 180

There is no rhyme nor reason.

Brianna's clock spit out one clang — then died.

It was apparently time.

But for what?

Her twin Bryan didn't answer. He couldn't. Corpses can be so stubbornly mute!

Not that she ever really wanted to listen. She remembered sewing his lips shut at age 6.

That day was fluffy bunny clouds and drooping daffodils and Bryan kept going on and on and on. As if. As if she cared. The clouds reminded her of cotton candy ice cream. She wanted some. They went together to the corner. When Bryan needed to use the toilet, she sprinkled some white numbing powder on his double scoop Manila-vanilla cone.

She smiled as she said, "Here's your Godzilla".

She was bigger than him; so, once pinned, all she had to do was embroider like Gamma had taught her. She chose pink thread to teach him a lesson. He hated pink.

The dripping tinge of red just added to the his horror — and her glee! She was tickled shades of peach and scarlet.

They threatened to send her away. She laughed, hoping that they would. They never understood. Gamma did.

...

But Bryan, you have no twin! We checked the records.

Brianna grinned but kept her mouth shut. Bryan would've been proud.

[180.20]

30.abril

Up reasonably early. Baked a chocolate cake and took a shower. I took a bath last night but that's mostly for my feet.

Walls are closing in.

Scott will leave today for his post in Wyoming. 7 hour drive.

On fb: "This makes sense and provides me with a way to explain to many Christians that my problem with Christianity isn't Christ, it's how His Truth is mangled and misused. Sophiological versus soteriological... got it."

29.abril

Nothing. Not writing. Still stressed about trip. Did get lots of sleep last night.

Lists... must make lists.

Updated CHECK LIST:

1. Prepack. Working on... progress.
2. Wash clothes on Sunday. Making a pile and checking it twice. Saw Drew.
3. Make check off list (it changes every time).

7. clean and/or unclutter (last time didn't go as planned). Some progress.
8. make decision regarding plants. Moved one to hallway. Some progress.

10. clean out fridge.
11. boxes.
12. Call Asiana! Called. Apparently I have a reserved seat.

13. Bath.

28.abril

Look... I got up and showered ... what more d'ya want?

A photo?

I sent one to Pannya (pg rated). He said that I need to shave. I replied that he could shave me when I come back.

On fb: "I think we have become tribal, but [only] two choices is based on black/white thinking. Very dangerous. I don't belong to either... absolutely refuse to be labeled as such. I have values and vision and vote as such."

Bank: transferred money. Made sure that they know I'm leaving .

Post office: paid for p.o. box due in July.

Milkshake: cardamom-orange.

Lunch: bbq ribs. Spoke with Scott Brown (doctor/musician). His dad is 90.

27.abril

Cannot stay awake = nap = nothing gets done.

List: See Dylan around noon. Did video. Eat at Center. Cobb salad. See Angie around 3. Connected on facebook. Try to reserve seat ICN-BKK.

Not too peppy. After Anxiety... worn out.

To Mighty: "I'm taking a risk by going back to Thailand. 4 months? No long term visa? A relationship that's complicated? Culture and language barriers... not to mention looking into the mirror...

If I wouldn't have taken so many risks along the way I wouldn't be in this situation. And I say that because I'm not a natural risk-taker.

But... here I am. I could look at photos taken from my international travels since 2009. I haven't picked up and read my over 5,000 page handwritten journal. I don't delve into my thousands of blog entries here over the last 18 years.

When I do, will I be as shocked as you?"

26.abril

Seats chosen on 5 of 6 flights... still missing a key one. 4 hours over 2 days trying to sort this out.

I've been excused from jury duty.

Bry helped me connect to internet. I intended to leave message for my sister, but she wanted to talk. Niece getting married May 12th? Cousin little Betty died end of March.

Meatloaf. Posted photo on fb.

Spoke to Pannya.

Anxiety decreasing.

25.abril

Decent day until I wasn't able to reserve all my seats. 1 key flight is missing.

Pannya and others notified.

CHECK LIST:

1. Prepack
2. Wash clothes on Sunday.
3. Make check off list (it changes every time).

4. Inform friends, family and neighbors: BH, Diane, Jay, Birgit, Bry, Kathi, Scott, Billie Jo, Dylan, Michael...
5. Inform landlord and pay rent a.s.a.p. until October.
6. decide on p.o. box. Paid $88 for 6 months.

7. clean and/or unclutter (last time didn't go as planned).
8. make decision regarding plants. Moved one to hallway.

9. Reserve hostel.

24.abril

7°C and raining. It will be a cold damp day... even after the rains end. This is March weather.

May rain in Thailand. Hopefully enough to cleanse the air of hazardous levels of smoke.

My anxiety is still sky-high. I have received some advice and more importantly support.

However... it negatively impacts my ability to write. I can't focus.

Flight reservations made.

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