Toe in the Water

P.O.M.S.

P.O.M.S.

For several years now I have self diagnosed as having P.O.M.S. No need to feel sorry for me - I am sorry enough for myself not to need any help on that score. But thank you for the thought anyway.

What is P.O.M.S? Often confused by Australians as having something to do with Englishness, POMS, affectionately known as Poms, stands for Poor Old Man Syndrome. Affecting 97% of males beyond the age of sixty, the first symptoms of Poms are audible. You know those groaning sounds that all old people make when getting out of a chair? Well, Poms typically extends those sounds to many other situations. Getting in and out of bed is an example, as is the act of sitting down. Any function requiring a little effort will be advertised by a range of grunts and groans appropriate to the situation.

Later, Poms is evidenced by an increasing irascibility with inanimate objects. This can be manifested in impatient comments to a toaster a few seconds late in popping up, a string of insults directed at any implement that contrives to slip from the old codger’s grasp, loud oaths expressed when latches, catches and clasps refuse to cooperate, and similar occurrences obviously sent to torture a poor old man out of his usual uncomplaining nature.

These waves of bad temper are followed by a rise in sarcasm and rudeness in response to any attempts to sympathise or ameliorate the condition for the sufferer. Poms does not react well to company or assistance, its symptoms being purely self expression and nothing to do with cries for help or the like. It is probably best understood if one remembers its old name of C.O.B. (Crotchety Old Bastard).

If you have to deal with a sufferer from Poms, just leave the blighter to wallow in his own misery, that’s my best advice (and, as I have mentioned, I ought to know).


Word count: 327.